Want to be Mentally Tough? Mind These Top 5 Emotional Habits
On becoming aware of your negative thoughts and emotions
Just like you build habits and discipline for getting up early, going to the gym, eating healthy, and so on, you also build emotional habits.
Many times you don’t even realize it.
These habits can make your life hard because they control your thought processes and behavior in many situations.
They’re like little storage units in your brain that have a learned way of thinking, feeling, and acting when something triggers it. It could be anything.
Here are the top five emotional habits you’ll want to be mindful of.
If you want to become aware of them, psychotherapist, teacher, meditator, and NY Times best-selling author Tara Bennett-Goleman lays out a simple five-step process (you can find it at the end).
Abandonment
This habit develops from a loss of something or someone.
The belief attached to this habit is a fear of being left alone.
Some of the feelings that people experience with this habit:
- Sadness
- Isolation
Some of the root causes:
- Childhood experience of being left, maybe by a parent who dies or when one of them leaves after a divorce.
- Moving all the time.
- Having an unstable, unreliable, or emotionally distant parent.
- Having a parent who is erratic in taking care of his/her kids, unpredictable, or alcoholic.
Effects
This can really impact relationships by constantly wanting reassurance from your partner for example, or simply clinging on.
Deprivation
This habit develops when one or both parents were so self-absorbed and didn’t give enough attention to their kids or care much about their emotional needs.
The belief with this habit is, “my needs won’t be met.”
The feelings experienced:
- Deep sadness and hopelessness that comes from the conviction that you’ll never be understood or cared for
- Anger from your needs not being met
- Loneliness
The root cause can be many, but here are some common ones:
- Lack of nurturance, warmth, or affection
- No empathy shared towards you
- Lack of guidance and direction
Effects
You tend to have demands as to your needs. You can get carried away and spend lots of money on yourself as a way to fill the void and feel nurtured.
You also end up being the caretaker you never had so end up taking on more work and putting more stress on yourself.
Subjugation
The core belief is, “it’s always your way.”
Feelings:
- Hidden resentment
- Anger
- Feeling used or controlled
Root causes:
- Childhood dominated by controlling parents who control their kids and give them no say.
Effects
You start to learn early on that your needs or feelings don’t matter. So you become powerless and helpless.
When you become an adult, you become indifferent about making decisions and let other people make them for you.
You end up in careers chosen by others, like your parents.
You become soft towards your kids, giving in too easily to their demands.
You give in to the demands of a dominating partner.
You have commitment issues because you sense that you’re being bossed around.
You consider yourself easy going and flexible when in reality you just never stand up for your needs or opinions.
Mistrust
The core belief with this habit is, “people can’t be trusted.”
Associated feelings:
- Anger
- Rage
Root cause:
- A past experience (not necessarily childhood) like abuse or mistreatment.
Effects
You become vigilant in your relationships, fearing that somehow people will take advantage of you.
As a result, you have a hard time opening up and getting close.
Unlovability
The core belief is, “I’m not lovable.”
Feelings:
- Shame and humiliation from thoughts of being defective.
Root cause:
- Often comes from parents who are demeaning, insulting, or hypercritical.
- Parents sending a message of, “you’re not good enough” through their behavior and words.
Effects
Having this emotional habit makes you keep a distance with people since you have a fear that you will be “found out” about your “defectiveness.”
You carry a sense of unworthiness and low self-confidence thinking that there’s something wrong with you.
You could also have an arrogant side who tries to hide your “defectiveness.”
If you want to become more aware of your schemas
Bennett-Goleman lays out a five-step process:
Step 1: acknowledge what’s going on.
Step 2: be open to your feelings.
Step 3: notice your thoughts.
Step 4: what does your emotional reaction remind you of?
Step 5: look for a pattern.
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