Why We Self-Sabotage and How Not To
Fears lead us to sabotage ourselves but we can conquer this with a few steps.
As I am staring at the blank page on the computer screen, I have an overwhelming urge to go do the laundry, wash the dishes, make yet another cup of tea. Anything, anything else but think about what to write. Am I procrastinating? Yes, in a manner of speaking but when I have procrastinated consistently for the last three months, I think it is time to consider that it is a little more than just mere procrastination.
All of us have goals we want to achieve. This could be goals like starting a business, launch a writing career or lose some weight and yet, each time we would get going for a while and then stop because of various reasons. Reasons like “I need to do more research”, “I need to concentrate on this big project at work” or “Just one more cheat meal won’t hurt”.
On the surface, it sounds like procrastination but for many of us, it is a symptom of a bigger problem, self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage occurs when we prevent ourselves from being successful or happy by undermining our goals and values and it often occurs without us being aware of it by masquerading as other thoughts and emotions.
Beware of the imposter
Self-sabotage can take on many guises other than procrastination. In our career for example, we often stop ourselves from reaching for a promotion or a career change. We cite reasons like not being qualified or not experienced enough, which is basically code for the dreaded imposter syndrome. Studies have found that up to 82% of people experience imposter syndrome which stops them from even attempting to ask for a higher salary or even consider changing jobs.
With imposter syndrome, the fear is not just of possible failure but the fear of judgement from others as well. We are afraid that others will see us as less competent and accomplished than we really are.
Even the great Maya Angelou was not impervious to imposter syndrome:
“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”
Perfection is a façade
Another way that self-sabotage occurs is in the form of perfectionism. Let’s say you are considering starting a business for example. Presumably, you will need some knowledge in terms of creating a service or a product that can be sold for money. At first, you will feel hyped up and raring to go especially when you start your research on what you might need to get t started. And then, what happens six months on? You are still researching and have not taken any tangible action.
You tell yourself it is because you want to do things right. However, let’s be real for a second here. We both know that you will not get it right the first time simply because you have not done it before. The only way to know is to get moving but you have stopped yourself from doing so. According to a survey conducted in 2021, 61% of Americans stated that they have ideas for a business and yet, 92% have not followed through on their entrepreneurial dreams. 33% of the people surveyed were honest and stated that it was the fear of failure that has hindered them thus far.
Perfectionism can sometimes manifest through indecisiveness on next course of action. For example, we struggle to decide on whether running, Zumba, Crossfit or Pilates would be best for losing weight when in reality, we should just get started on something that gets us moving our bodies and burning calories.
Self-sabotage in love
Do you know people who seem to self-sabotage in relationships? These are the people who treat their partners badly by picking fights for no apparent reason or sometimes, they cheat on their partners. Then, there are also those who choose people who are not that great for them.
Usually, these kinds of relationships are volatile, stressful and to the outside view, it seems like this person is creating opportunities for either party to break off the relationship. Ironically, the people who tend to sabotage their own relationships are also people who are most fearful of being alone but also found it the hardest to let their guard down.
Fear and past experiences
Fear is a healthy emotion which protects us from danger. However, when it comes to self-sabotage, we are often in denial of the fear and rarely admit to ourselves that we are fearful of another person leaving us or that we would fail at something.
In a relationship, the fear is not just about the other party leaving us, but it is also about what if we screw it up ourselves? Then who would we blame when we are sad and lonely? In this way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where we fear being alone but put ourselves in the position of being just that.
When it comes to our professional achievements, we deny ourselves the chance of even trying when we self-sabotage. The fear we feel when it comes to the professional realm is to protect us from the blows to our self-esteem and self-worth if we fail.
Sometimes, the way we self-sabotage could also stem from our past experiences such as witnessing a toxic relationship between our parents and so we either repeat the pattern in our adulthood or try to prevent repeating the pattern and develop mechanisms to do so.
Here’s how you can stop sabotaging yourself
1. Acknowledge that you are self-sabotaging
It is not easy to admit to ourselves that we are the ones getting in our own way. It is normal to have these fears and what it is important is that we see our actions as what they are and not try to justify them.
2. Backtrack a little
Now that you know that you are self-sabotaging, try and dig a little deeper and think about why that is. Not everything in our lives is a result of deep-seated psychological trauma, fear is a healthy part of living. By knowing why, you can start to adjust your mindset and adapt differently.
3. Feel the fear and do it anyway
Just as you have learned to self-sabotage to cope with your fear, you can unlearn it and learn a different way. The fears we have, whilst normal, is often unfounded. We don’t know that we will fail at business. We don’t know that our relationships won’t work out. When we feel fearful, it is a sign that whatever it is, is challenging us. That is not necessarily a bad thing. When you have figured out why the fear exists, you can take control and find a different way to work around your self-sabotage such as creating a different routine to get started on your goals.
4. Be kind to yourself
The most vital step here is self-compassion. We are naturally self-critical, we can’t help it. It is so easy to blame ourselves for failing at work, at building a business and at love. However, as we know self-sabotage is just a way we cope with our fears. It does not mean that we will never be able to conquer that, it just means that to do so, we need to be more patient with ourselves.
At the end of the day
Life’s most meaningful pursuits are often the most challenging. With the challenges comes that impulse to give in to our fears and sabotage ourselves even before we have begun. Self-sabotage is not some character flaw, it is just a human trait. When we recognize the symptoms of self-sabotage, we can take the steps required to manage it and conquer it.
