How rap music helps me cope with depression

Whenever I feel down I tend to have a strange reflex that makes me immediately play some Smiths’ songs and cry on my own while singing to the lyrics. One might say it’s really not logical to listen to sad melancholic stuff if you’re already depressed, like beating someone when he/she is already down. Nonetheless, I have learned to respect that reflex because we all need to « cry it out » once in a while, to truly dig into ourselves and let emotions take over, however pathetic we might look curled up in a corner listening to The Smashing Pumpkins with a blanket on our head in a sea of tissues. If I feel down, you better be ready for some serious musical self-loathing and sadness, and don’t tell me listening to Blink 182’s « I Miss you » isn’t a good solution. Because climbing down instead of up is sometimes necessary to vent a lot of strange bottled-up feelings. I’ll allow myself to feel bad and swim in my own darkness until I’m actually ready for some rap music.
Having gone through a lot of these difficult times, I’ve noticed that what actually makes me feel better is some rap music. The process of recovering from a depression-induced moment, from that time I feel paralyzed as if nothing could get better, from that period of time when every small thing makes me reflect negatively on myself — is greatly powered by music, specifically by rap, as I find in the wide genre every feeling I need to get my shit together and work on myself again. It actually comes in three different times for me: first is the anger I need to battle my own demons, second is the confidence I crave to be able to believe it’s going to get better and to believe in myself a little bit more, and in third comes what I call the « light-living ». All of these are part of a rap-powered process towards hope, light, and overall badassery.

1. THE ANGER
As I’ve said, when the sadness comes, I’ll need a moment to wallow in my own shitty thoughts. I have several playlists that will just push me down even further into the depths of my own shittiness, two of them are respectively called « :’( » and « Cliff Songs », so you get the idea. When I’m done with that self-pity, I automatically change genres to rap, as I start to be angry at myself for being so pathetic. I’ll cruise through some violent songs, lyrically and musically, starting off with some Dr Dre, Eminem, 50 Cent, or a good old Xzibit, you know, classics. Although I feel bad about myself and angry at my own despair, I’ll slowly start feeling angry at the world instead of the fact that I’m crying alone at 3 AM with no reason at all. I think something happens chemically that allows me to vent this blurry hatred through listening to « Click Click » with a drippy nose. These « anger tunes » help me focus all the sadness in order to turn it into hate, which is a good feeling because anger makes you DO things instead of just contemplating everything that’s unfair in the world around you. And even though this hatred hasn’t got any tangible focus, it feels good to be generally angry when you’ve been drowning in numbness for a while. The anger and the overall « pissed-off » attitude and lyrics encountered during this listening session are essential, and rap music — well, some of it anyway — has that kind of « you’re gonna hear what I have to say even though you little bitch don’t want to » that makes me feel stupid and empowered at the same time: because I alone need to deal with my problems and stop fooling myself, I feel stupid for indulging myself in wallowing on bullshitty stuff — I need to assess the situation and grow some cojones. And finally I feel empowered as I see there is a way to shout whatever the hell is the problem in order to fix it.

2. THE CONFIDENCE
When I’ve been angry at my own bullshit, then hated the world, then understood that I had to get my shit together, I need a good dose of confidence, a boost to get me on the right track. Rap music is lit with confidence and will to thrive, which actually gives me the help I need to believe in myself along with the songs. I could make a 10 days-long playlist with rap confidence anthems, the genre is filled with them. « Forgot about Dre » would give me a good start, as Dre is obviously the no-bullshit guy to go with. Lil Wayne would give me a little dose of « I manage, back off » (« A Milli », « You ain’t got nuthin »), and « Started from the bottom » paired with « Worst Behaviour » could be a good push into the right direction: acknowledging that I’ve come a long way and that I can kick ass. Obviously « No Frauds » would be in the mix, as a « fuck these fakies » attitude is essential for a healthy confidence-boost (as Schoolboy Q says, “me no conversate with the fake”). You’ve guessed it, this is the time when I need to believe that I can achieve any-fucking-thing, and that I’m the only master of my destiny. Yes, it seems a bit ridiculous when I say it like that, but these feelings are lost when you’re feeling depressed, and listening to other people, as far from you as they are, rap about success, overcoming obstacles and demanding to be heard loud and clear feels good. I wouldn’t say I identify to Dreezy or Nicki, but dammit it feels good to hear confidence and self-worth, and with enough of that, I’m starting to think that hard work will pay, and no matter what anyone says (including myself), I can get out of this pit of self-loathing, « Hate it or love it the underdog’s on top ».

3. THE LIGHT LIVING
Last but not least, it’s time to start looking at the enjoyable things in life, and understand that I am going to be ok. I’ll jump to « Blessings » to try to get some more faith in my veins, and appreciate what I’ve got and what I can do to get me where I want to be. Then comes the light-living: no more self-pity, just confidence to the max and thankfulness. This is the time for me to listen to some lighter lyrics and melodies, like « I don’t fuck with you », « F**kin problems », some Snoop songs about weed and end it all with « I’m fly ». This list is about feeling ok with myself, like I achieved something, like nothing will get in my way and I’ll soon be hanging out without a care in the world because there are worse things in the world, I guess. It’s all coming down to « not caring so much » and enjoying life.

At the end of this rap-fueled roller coaster of emotions, I usually feel better: better about myself, better about work, better about the future. I am not saying it cures me, but rap definitely helps me focus, explore my own irrational thoughts, and gain confidence in myself as well as acknowledge the path that has already been conquered. It’s easy, when you suffer from depression, to forget that you’ve evolved, even when it doesn’t feel that way. I couldn’t explain exactly how rap comes into the mix, and some might say that other genres are better suited for battling with depression, but damn, I feel good when I hear « in your face » attitudes and rappers who praise hard work and fierce unapologetic drive to get what you want.

Nota: a thorough list would take me months to establish, so I left out some of the best but if I listen to myself, I would have mentioned too many songs…