Not caring so much: the IASIP mentorship
I’ve always cared about everything a bit too much. People, things, events… It’s been a habit of mine since I was small and frankly it ruins my life everyday. Putting my emotional energy into very single things that happens around me is tiring, especially when I’m obsessed with being a decent person (or at least what I think would be a decent person). Caring about stuff is part of life, it’s important, and it means you’re involved in this said-life and also that you’re simply not a robot. I care deeply about a lot of things that deserve my care because they are good things: my family, my pets, my future, my closest friends… But I also care about a lot of things that are just not worth it, especially when they don’t « care back ». Being emotionally involved in something has to be meaningful and carefully thought. I’ve cared about (and for) people who would never care for me, I’ve cared about things that were just not worth the trouble, the energy and the eventual self-loathing, like « looking cool » or « being happy at the party ». Fuck that shit. I’ve been an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia big, big fan for a long time. Why? Because those characters are just the worst human beings on earth and I, anxiety-filled-prone-to-depression-lacking-self-worth-girl, envy the hell out of that way of life. I would love to be such a jerk and not care about anything. It seems like a freakin’ vacation to me.
Charlie, Dee, Frank, Mac and Dennis are the anti-caring heroes I need to just stop worrying so much about every little thing and start being a selfish bastard who curses like a sailor from time to time. The well-thought self-obsessed enterprises of the group remind me that I don’t have to always put others before me if I don’t feel like it. They operate solely on gut-feelings and a sort of sin-race: wrath, envy, gluttony, sloth, greed, pride, they’re all explicitly there and acted upon. And though it’s obvious that one should not behave on those principles alone, let’s not forget that those ideas are a part of the human being that, sometimes, have to rise up and scream themselves at the world.
What my sin is is envy here. I envy those cold-hearted bastards who don’t care about anything. And more than that, I envy their delusional world as they don’t even know that they’re being « bad persons ». It is a burden to always think about everyone else before you, to consider every aspect and potential consequence of any endeavor before jumping into it, yet that’s always precisely what sparks the IASIP wild and weird adventures: a lack of « giving a fuck ».
A lot of people will tell you that from time to time, it’s « good » to be a bit selfish, to indulge yourself, get some « me time » etc. Obviously, right? But what even more appealing in IASIP is the complete lack of self-awareness that fuels these selfish acts. I could be selfish if I didn’t get super-guilty after indulging myself to a big piece of cake and doing nothing for two hours straight. There is no guilt in IASIP and it’s refreshing. No true crippling moral compass apart from the usual « goddammit » that have no influence on the person it’s directed to. Being selfish is one thing, not feeling any guilt is something else, and I think that is the real problem with caring too much: you think that if you absolutely don’t care, something horrible is going to happen because of you. It’s the fear of guilt that powers your caring, and that’s not right. Caring for stuff should be an act of selfless love, not an act of protection against potential future guilt.
I wish I could live my life a little bit more like the gang and begin my day by saying, and meaning, « Gentlemen, suck my dick » to the world. I’m not there yet because I tend to care too much about my stupid actions, but hopefully, I will be able to rise up to their level sometimes and not give a fuck. Just, from time to time.
