Controlling Your Emotions, Not Being Emotionless

One of the most prevalent misconceptions about stoicism centers around the notion of being emotionless. The idea of a stoic being this cold, unfeeling person, impervious to pain, cold, heat, insult, or pleasure. In reality, practicing stoics feel all these things.

To be a practicing stoic means that one works, with intentionality, to control those emotions. Practicing stoicism means that one works on being aware that the upset feeling they feel is simply because that is how their mind is interpreting the words of the rude co-worker. If a coworker says something rude to you, you might be angry that they want to take a shot at you or make you look bad. If you let the emotion of upset dominate, you might snipe back or plot to make sure they get their comeuppance.

However, if you change your mindset, you can feel differently about the situation. You can recognize for yourself that your upset is not because of your co-worker, it is because of how you think about what your co-worker did. Imagine thinking that the co-worker is in a terrible personal situation. Having just experienced some personal tragedies and is not able to be thoughtful about their interactions, right now. Does this help your anger subside?

One of the most masterful moves that a supervisor can make involves their response when an employee acts out against them. Having an employee go on a public rant against the organization, “leadership,” and maybe you, in particular, can be a difficult moment. Some leaders see this as a moment when they cannot show weakness and need to “teach a lesson” and show everyone that this behavior will not be tolerated.

However, bringing that person into your office and recognizing their upset and asking what you can do to help them can go much further. A person who is putting their livelihood at risk is a person in crisis. You can be the leader who chooses to not be upset by what they say and throws them a lifeline. This might be a much better lesson to teach all of you other employees.

You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

―Marcus Aurelius