Loyalty Is a Double-Edged Sword: Here’s How To Weild it for Your Relationships
Moral loyalty solves the paradox
Have you ever had to choose between loyalty and something equally significant, like friendship, respect, or love?
Take the example of Sarah.
Sarah was born to a broken family whose father walked away from them at some point in her early childhood.
It formed her views of relationships — she believes that loyalty should be at the core of every relationship. If only her father was loyal, she thought, her family would not have suffered as they did.
Sarah is a good, loyal friend to Emily. Unfortunately, Emily is spiraling down a self-destructive path, seeking refuge in reckless choices.
Sarah’s loyalty to Emily is unwavering, of course.
But lately, it seems that every “loyal” decision she makes translates to bad choices for her dearest friend.
She doesn’t want to “betray” her friend, but at the same time, she wants what’s best for Emily, which goes against what Emily wants.
Loyalty has now become a paradox. She’s trapped and can’t choose.
Unfortunately, these scenarios happen all too often. Loyalty is a complex psychological process, and navigating it can be challenging. But with a little bit of understanding, loyalty can be untangled.
This guide will help you do that.
Understanding the Psychology of Loyalty
Loyalty is ancient. It’s one of the fundamental virtues that people from a hundred generations ago valued just as highly as we do now. However, research has shown that loyalty can lead us to do unethical things.
How can we reconcile this? It begins with understanding its complexity.
Loyalty as an ingrained human trait
From the evolutionary perspective of loyalty, our ancestors established communities to protect themselves from outside dangers, and loyalty was necessary for survival.
You need to be able to trust the tribe you are in, and they need to trust you.
Loyalty as a psychological process
It can also be described as a psychological process.
According to research, loyalty is a “psychological process that influences behavior” and “a behavior that is psychologically processed.” It’s both a considered behavior and a justification for that behavior. It’s the how and the why packaged into one.
Loyalty in action
Let’s return to Sarah and see how these psychological forces are in action.
She considers her best friend Emily as her family, having grown up together with strong bonds outside of her tumultuous family. Plus, Sarah considers herself loyal, so she does things a loyal person would do.
Would a loyal person betray her friend by telling Emily’s parents that their daughter has been cutting school or doing drugs? Would a loyal friend stop her from doing what she wants? Emily would be betrayed, and Sarah can’t bear that thought.
How can she untangle herself and develop a guide on creating a healthy basis for her loyalty?
Working Towards Moral Loyalty
Loyalty is complex, but it’s not impossible to navigate it. Most interpersonal loyalty quandaries can be navigated healthily with three guiding principles: open communication, setting boundaries, and perspective. Let’s discuss.
Open Communication Is Key
When navigating the moral maze of your loyalty, engaging in honest and vulnerable conversations helps you chart a map.
Remember that relationships die in silence, but they thrive on understanding.
Thus, share your concerns and thoughts and listen actively to the other person’s perspective. This will allow you to better understand their needs and struggles, which can help you look for key levers to pull that will help them in the long run.
Keep in mind that conversations will often not present a solution. Instead, it’s about understanding, being present, and empathy with a loved one.
Self-Reflection Is Your Guiding Light
Turn the spotlight inward. Dedicate some quiet moments for self-reflection, and honestly assess the motivations behind your loyalty in the relationship.
Take the time to assess your own motivations. Ask yourself if your loyalty stems from a genuine desire to support or if it might be from somewhere else.
Loyalty does not exist in a void. Like other psychological processes, your loyalty also stems from somewhere deep inside you, whether from an experience, a limiting belief, or ideas from the outside.
Be honest with yourself, confront your biases, and strive to align your loyalty with other values you hold dear. It can be difficult, but well worth it.
Seek Outside Perspective
Sometimes, we’re too close to the situation to see it clearly. To distinguish moral loyalty, don’t hesitate to seek outside perspectives.
Consult friends, family, or a therapist for a fresh and unbiased viewpoint.
These people can provide valuable insights and help you navigate the situation’s complexities with a clearer perspective. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Nurture Healthy Loyalty in Your Relationships
Let’s go back to Sarah.
It was difficult, but she got Emily to talk about her struggles.
She realized that Emily was overwhelmed with a rocky home life, bad grades, and thoughts of what to do after high school.
She also reflected and realized that she wants to be loyal so she doesn’t hurt her loved ones like her father did. She reflected that this is a value of love and empathy, so if that’s the case, she loves Emily enough to help her in the long rather than the short term.
Armed with her newfound knowledge, she goes to a trusted school counselor — one that she knows and trusts.
She talks to them about Emily, seeks an unbiased and professional perspective, and resolves to help Emily by following a professional’s advice.
Final Thoughts
Being loyal to someone is one of the highest virtues, but there really is such a thing as too much loyalty. It’s a unique value that can be used to promote both ethically and unethically.
Thus, loyalty must be tempered by other values.
These values could be empathy, responsibility, and understanding. But how can we learn what values can temper our loyalty? It’s simple: communicate, reflect, and seek perspective.
