Positive Changes Aren’t Always Easy
My mind works in mysterious ways I suppose. I’ve seldom had the patience or self control to wear a fake persona and continue to do things that I don’t like. When I can no longer see any long term benefits of a job or a relationship or a routine, I’m just done. Many other people, at least those that are more “stable” would never leave a job without having another one lined up. They would also never walk away from a relationship and cut ties when the flame is gone. Those people would also never completely walk away from a part of their daily life without something to replace it with. Me, I have done all of these things before. Remaining in a situation that bears no fruit for me, makes me miserable and causes me to lose sight of what's most important to me right now; my future.
It all revolves around a certain feeling. None of us enjoy feeling unhappy, but I especially hate feeling stuck. Feeling stuck, like I have no where to turn or nothing to do is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. Recently, I started to relive that feeling, and my happiness and self-assurance fell overboard as a result.
My desire for my future is broad and simple; I want to prevail not just get by. I want to feel comfortable not uncomfortable. I want to feel happy and not sad. Things that check the latter box of these three opposing things tend to get peeled away like a band aid, but not before they affect me always, unfortunately.
I really want a home for my mind, someplace where I can feel secure in my resources and pursue the things I want to pursue. Sometimes, I know that I’m over thinking it all, but I haven’t quite figured out how to shut that off yet. I do know that when I’m focused on the right things, I worry less, I get bored. I need a home for my mind where I won’t get bored with the calm. I’ll find it. I’m still making moves to improve my life. The transitions are always difficult though. the next 30 days are going to be difficult, but in the end I’ll be better off, because despite my distracting dissatisfaction with my current life state, things are still at least somewhat in perspective.
I still have my eyes on a bright future. Sometimes we get side tracked and stressed, but as long as we keep a beautiful future in view, it can be a little out of focus as long as it’s still there, and we’ll be okay. I know I’m gonna reach it someday soon, because I’m not giving up on it. Tomorrow is another day, so we can always find a way forward.
