It’s early morning here in the Northern Idaho river valley that I call home. As I type this, I can here the clatter of April rain outside my window as it drips from the gutters and falls from cloud to concrete. This week has been an active, productive, illuminating and humbling one, as I’ve spent much of it thinking about the state of my life and what I want. I’ve had a spell recently, during which the entire cavalcade of pain and anguish that has been residing somewhere within made a reappearance; I was joined again at the hip by my dark mistress; not alcohol, if that’s what you’re inferring based on my past writings, no, I mean my anger.
There was a time many years ago that I thrived. With the right guidance, motivation, and environmental conditions I went from being the only child in Mrs. Hopkins 1st grade class that couldn’t read, to the man sitting here writing this that loves the classics and some more esoteric novels. I write as if no one will ever find me in my solitude, with a subtle lingering undertone of hope that they will. I do this, I believe, because my subconscious remembers that time many years ago when I thrived, and it wants me to read my thoughts and find that stride again. Still, anger has persisted throughout my life journey as the dark overtone that cloaks my more endearing qualities.
“Madly In Anger With The World” was the theme of the legendary band Metallica’s 2004 tour for their then new album St. Anger. The band made a comeback with this album after years of alcohol abuse, writers block, line-up changes, and therapy. I went to see them on this tour with my father that year, Godsmack opened, and it was the first concert I ever went to. Fitting, this title could be mine but for more than just a studio album with a dozen or so songs on it. It’s perfect, simply because for many years I missed out on love and fell in anger with the world. I have been angry over the life I never had, rather than loving the life that I have. I have been angry over the family I never had, rather than loving the one that I have. I have been angry over who I could have been, rather than loving who I am. Anger can be a useful emotion, if it’s bridled and channeled into something good; but, unchecked and unchanneled anger destroys everything, even its host.
I’ve learned that the key to MY life and to MY happiness, is to find ways to temper the darker elements of my nature, to be reticent and listen more than I speak, and to learn more than I teach. I’ve learned that yesterdays are a good backboard. Making today a little better somehow, fosters my inner peace. I’ve learned that perseveration means that I care, and perseverance means that I will. I’ve learned to never give up, because there’s always a tomorrow, until there’s not. I’ve learned that having a dark mistress doesn’t make me a dark paramour. My mistakes steal some peace from me, that’s true; but, as long as I keep moving forward and focusing on my positive goals and dreams, I will always regain it with dividends.
I can’t un-ring the bells of the mistakes I’ve made, but I can write a more beautiful song with them behind me. In life, there is no grand prize and no pinnacle to achieve. There’s only life, what we do and how we do it. Challenges, choices and mistakes. Self-improvement isn’t some monolithic tag-line for the troubled; but rather, a journey of and for those that realize within themselves a desire to discover something worthy of being sought. You and me are here for a short time, so, I’m going to forget about the goal of “self-improvement” and simply strive to be wiser, healthier, calmer, smarter, and better than I was yesterday, every today and every tomorrow, until they run out…
