I woke up at 2:30am this morning, and I was wide awake by 3. I think It’s now safe to say that my circadian rhythm has fallen into alignment with my new work schedule. I struggled for a while to make it out of bed by 4 am so I could get to work on time. Now, I’m beating the alarm and getting time for a cup of coffee before I head out every morning.
Though most of this is due to natural adaptation, it seems apparent that some of my pep is due to anticipation as well. This last Thanksgiving in America, was the first one that I’ve celebrated with my family in seven [or eight] years. One, I celebrated in boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. The three after that, were spent with a former friends family in Montana. The three after that, were spent drunk and alone out of shame and misguided angst. On one of those last three, my grandmother died. Now it’s Christmas eve, and I’m poised to be home again; I’m making it through my first holiday season as a healing man.
So, what’s changed? Hopefully you’re wondering this, if my writing has succeeded in hooking you and drawing you into my experience. The answer, short and sweet and true, is me. I have changed. Still, there are some wounds I dealt in my past that are deep and require a different and more extensive type of healing. I can handle it; but, I also have to protect myself because not all people manage pain in conventional ways. There will be difficulties and risks alike. I’ll succeed as long as I am always aware of them and weigh them against my evidence of self-improvement and my ongoing commitment to achieving the goals I’ve set for my future.
There’s been some strangeness going on with certain members of my family since I opened up a dialogue that began the healing chapter with them. My instincts, sharp as they’ve become since committing to sobriety, are telling me to run for the safety of the battlements I built. The ones I allowed to be breeched and then repurposed. The cavalcade of mixed emotions that bounds through now, stirs the dusts of confusion and doubt, but I will not flee; instead, I will walk on with caution. I knew I would have to face the loved ones I injured and marooned out in the mists of life someday, and I’m ready.
Recovery is a voyage through storm ridden waters, in search of the treasures of life, and healing beyond oneself dear reader [if you’re still with me] is part of the storm. I lived an aimless selfish life, and hurt a lot of people directly and indirectly with my actions over the years. I confess, it is difficult to face up to the more severe mistakes; but, if I’ve learned anything about myself, it’s that worry alone can no longer deter me in my goal to live a better more fulfilling life. I’m genuine, so I work to right as many wrongs as I can from the fallout of my past life. If you are someone that shares a similar experience, I hope that you do too; because, what is lost is never gone, and it’s not over. I hope you believe in yourself as I believe in me, or that you will. It’s not so bad really, now that I am able to highlight my own positive attributes and see the upside of real personal accountability and honesty. This could be the best Christmas ever for my family. I won’t allow the past to deny us that; after all, there’s a new year on the horizon…
