Broken Trust, Broken Dreams.
When someone you love disappoints you, the effects can be devastating.
I grew up in a family with an alcoholic dad. Along with that package comes a world of hurt in terms of broken promises. My father is actually a good guy, very generous and kind, but when the alcohol starts flowing all other commitments take a back seat. Including his little girl.
“Your dad is taking you to the Stampede tomorrow” says my mom. So up I get in the morning, dressed and ready to go. Every time I hear a car, I jump up in excitement — surely this one MUST be him. Nope, minutes and hours pass, and no dad. I can feel the pain in my chest as I recall an incident from forty plus years ago.
To this day, I am always a little late for most things in my life. The rationale? If I am just slightly late, then the other person/people are waiting for me. I can politely apologize for my tardiness. If I am early and waiting for others to arrive? It doesn’t take long before panic sets in. It takes everything in me to control my anxiety. The little girl jumping up to look out the window.
You would think as I approach 60 that this family of origin wound would be pretty much healed by now. After all, I am a therapist myself, I have done tonnes of my own therapy and I know exactly where this misplaced feeling comes from. Sigh, no such luck. It can be so bad sometimes, that don’t you dare cancel on me even if you have a good reason. The wound will be gaping open, bleeding all over the place.
I hope all of you dads out there with daughters are listening. Even the slightest disappointments can leave scars. I have dealt with enough clients with similar histories to know that it is not a coincidence — all of us wounded women walking around with disappointing dad stories. It may seem unfair, but true nonetheless.
So what happens when your husband or your partner lets you down? If it was your dad and now you are all grown up, there is at least some understanding and detachment that can occur for that relationship. However, when your trust is now in another man — and your primary attachment to boot — losing connection and trust can be so painful.
I was listening to Deepak and Oprah’s “Creating Peace from the Inside Out” meditation and they were talking about how healthy detachment can give you objectivity and stability. It can create intimacy without becoming lost or suffocated by it.
I find it interesting how engaging in a power dynamic, choosing dependence or dominance, actually feels safer. I guess there is implied security in either the ‘power over’ or in the ‘victim’ stance. However, neither of these positions ultimately create the intimacy that we all crave; nor the trust that is necessary for mature growth.
We’re caught in a trap, I can’t walk out, the famous song lyrics by Elvis Presley from Suspicious Minds, comes to mind right now. Knowing on a logical level that “daddy” can no longer hurt you, but damn it still hurts every time, and I really do love and need you. True definition of a trap, for sure.
Unlike the power imbalance in a father/daughter relationship, the grown up one involving you and your partner have a much better chance of working through the disappointments. We are all humans, after all, and let downs will occur. If you are like myself and know that you have a family of origin trigger around this experience, make sure that you take that into account when dealing with present day disappointments. We don’t want our partners paying the price of our father’s sins! However, it is just as important that they are aware of our childhood wounds, lending us more compassion when they do step on our toes — intentionally or not.
Pay attention all you dads and husbands and partners. We really are still little girls at heart.
