Losing a Friend
Whether it’s a breakup or death ~ it still hurts.
A relationship ending is normal, expected even. We know that none of our relationships will last forever. They either end through death or through circumstances.
However when it is a friend of over fifty years, I have to say that the sting is awful. I am experiencing this presently. The recent passing of my friend was also unexpected — which makes it even worse. As much as alternatively knowing ahead of time that you are going to die, or that slowly dying really sucks for the person themselves, it does give others around them time. Time to say goodbye. Time to say all of the things that we perhaps wish we would have said. Time to get used to them not being here.
I keep thinking that I wish I could have had the opportunity to tell her how important she was to me, how much she meant, maybe even apologized for anything that may have happened in our relationship that wasn’t so cool. But I didn’t get to say any of those things. She is just gone. I have to say I am totally stuck in stage one: shock and denial. It doesn’t really seem real that she’s not here, and that I didn’t get to have any of those conversations. Man I miss you Cathy.
I have actually written a lot about death over the years. Some may say I am even a little obsessed with the topic. I am a little strange that way. Not today though. This one is still too new and too painful.
Let’s move on to the other type of ending, the breakup of friendships. Wikipedia says:
A relationship breakup, breakup, or break-up is the termination of a relationship. The act is commonly termed “dumping [someone]” in slang when it is initiated by one partner…People commonly think of breakups in a romantic aspect, however, there are also non-romantic and platonic breakups, and this type of relationship dissolution is usually caused by failure to maintain a friendship.
What I find interesting about this definition is the inflammatory terms “dumping” and “failure”. I know that these are both commonplace, but I guess I hope for something a bit more productive.
If you really think about it, we all grow at different paces and rates. We all change as people over time, and everyone is on their own path. So really, it kind of makes sense that there may come a time when the friendship no longer serves a purpose. Or alternatively, it may actually be hurting one person or the other.
Wikipedia goes on to say “Kamiar-K. Rueckert argues with the works of Donald Winnicott that the ability to be alone is an essentially healthy sign of emotional development and maturity.” On this note, we might also say that as we age and mature we have less need for others. We certainly realize the older we get that time is our most valuable resource. Perhaps ending relationships can also be a part of that time-management.
I love the saying “people are in your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. There is something really cool about that because I think it implies that it will end at some point, but it also punctuates that it had meaning for the time that it existed. Whether you meet somebody once, or know them for a week, or for your lifetime ~ they all mean something and contribute to your life in some way. I believe there are reasons that certain people pass through our life, and reasons why we pass through other people’s lives. We could even extend this rationale to the breakup. Perhaps that person was a “season” person, not a “lifetime” person? Just a thought.
So how do you know when it is time to break-up with a friend, or how does someone else know that it’s time to break-up with you? Again, reiterating that it is not that the relationship didn’t matter, but maybe it is at a point where it should not continue.
If this is the case, how exactly do you do that? How do you break up in a way that’s cool? How do you make it fair? Or, how do you be respectful and try as much as possible not to hurt the other person? That is probably the better question.
If you put some thought into the how-to’s prior to the breakup, there is a better possibility that we will be remembered in a fond way rather than the alternative. To assist with this end, here are some dos and don’ts for breaking up well.
One of my professors in my Master’s program, Roger Taylor I think was his name, said in one of his short papers on managing endings that ‘to end well is to live well’. I really like that. I like that a lot. Not that I have been great at it in my life, but if I keep thinking about it, keep talking about it, keep writing about it, maybe I can also be good at it and be more proud of who I am if I am ending a relationship.
First off, I believe that doing it in person is best. A civil conversation explaining the rationale, without blame if possible, is the best way to end a relationship with someone who mattered to you. Be kind, be brief, and be direct. People are not mind readers, and typically if they can have some sort of understanding why the relationship has run its course, it will help them to move forward. In person also conveys the importance and has less likelihood of misinterpretation. I would also say that it is more difficult to be upset with someone who is sitting across from you. Often the personal touch evokes the good feelings that you once had with that person.
If it seems too hard to do it in person or it really isn’t practical or possibly even safe, a handwritten letter is an excellent backup. I am referring to an actual physical piece of paper — not typed, not on the keyboard — an old-fashioned pen and paper kind.
The reason I am so adamant about this form is multifaceted:
- A handwritten letter feels like the person. Writer incarnate, so to speak.
- Unlike a text or email, you cannot instantly press ‘reply’ which is important. Often we can get hung up on a word or a phrase which evokes intense emotion, and pressing reply can happen quickly without enough thought and cause unnecessary conflict.
- An actual letter can be read and re-read, allowing time for all of the intention to settle in.
- A letter can also be written and re-written before it is delivered to make sure you are getting all of your points across in a thoughtful manner, without interruption.
Many good reasons for the personal touch and paper form.
In the letter, take the opportunity to briefly explain why the need for the breakup. Try as much as possible to use “I” statements — why it is important to you and how you are feeling — versus blame. Make sure that more of the letter is focused on what you have appreciated about them and the positive qualities that you know that exist within them. If you can, mention the ways in which they contributed to your life and actually made your life better.
Keep in mind that none of us are all good or all bad, that we all have our pluses and minuses. If you are able to hilight some of the plus side of their balance sheet, that would be awesome. Still being clear, however, that the relationship has run its course for you and wish them well. Whether you knew them for a very short time or a very long time, just be respectful, complimentary and be honest, which will all contribute to a better ending.
One last suggestion I have is performing a “death ritual” for the death of the relationship. I first learned about this in my therapy training for divorcing couples. The ones that could actually come together in harmony to perform a ritual that honoured the relationship, even though it was ending. I believe this selfless act really assisted all parties involved to move forward in a more healthy way.
The ritual can involve just yourself, both people, or it can even include other affected parties. It can be simple, or it can be elaborate. Sometimes gifts are even exchanged to mark the transition. There are therapists who specialize in this type of event, and can help you walk through the options if you prefer assistance with a process such as this. Learning about yourself and your contribution to the demise is typically the focus, but also includes honouring the other.
For yet another way to look at this, I think we can consider the term Conscious Uncoupling that was brought forward in 2009. Although it was intended more for divorcing couples, I believe it does a good job of explaining my intention of good breakups in friendships.
Conscious uncoupling
Katherine Woodward Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, originated the term “conscious uncoupling” in 2009. Thomas began teaching this new approach to divorce to students throughout the world.[20]
The term received popularization by Gwyneth Paltrow, who used the phrase to describe her divorce with Chris Martin.[21] Paltrow had her doctors Dr. Sherry Sami, and Habib Sadeghi and his wife explain the Conscious Uncoupling when she first made the news of her divorce public. A “conscious uncoupling is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument [within a marriage] was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing,” Habib Sadeghi explained. “From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people, it’s about people as individuals, not just the relationship”.[22]
I hope that this is a helpful start for those of you needing to end a friendship, or making sense of one that already has.
Throughout writing this post, Neil Sedaka’s famous song lyrics keep running through my head:
They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know
I know that it’s true
Don’t say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again
Enjoy this oldie. It’s worth it :)
