Our Children as Friends
Is it possible to have a genuine friendship with your child?
I have seen many well-meaning parents throughout my career try to be friends with their kids. Sadly, a lot of these have been when their children are still children ~ an attempt at connection without discipline.
So what is this magical age when being friends with your kid is actually okay? Great question.
When your kids are young, even into adolescence, being their friend is not advisable. Typically throughout this stage of development, your kids have their own community and don’t need another friend. What they really need during this time is a parent, one who will be direct and honest if they don’t respect the decisions they are making. Advice or mentoring that helps them grow. Something that actually gives them permission to say no themselves and make decisions that are good for them.
Often as a parent during these formative years, we want to be their friend or do not want to piss them off in an attempt to avoid cut-off. Before the age of twenty, I believe this is a mistake. They do not need you to be their friend, they need guidance. Although in the moment this may cause discomfort or conflict in the relationship, it is the right choice. Short term pain for long term gain. And life is long.
I personally have had a conflictual relationship with my own daughter pretty much since she was born. She popped out a “no” kid, always choosing the path of most resistance and wanting to make her own decisions. She was a very difficult child to parent. Much strife during her early years, incredible challenges during her teen years, and she moved away right after high school graduation. A very short interlude back home in her twenties, then off she went again.
Then a new thing happened. As a grown up (almost thirty) my daughter moved onto our rural acreage. Living in a separate dwelling on our property, with her horse in tow, my “baby” was now an adult with whom I could build a relationship with.
To have an adult child rent space from me on our property set the stage for this new kind of relationship. One where a friendship could grow. She had some autonomy and independence being a renter in a separate dwelling, and I felt no need to parent or guide or teach ~ just love and listen.
The key in this type of relationship with our kids I believe is not to teach, give our opinions, or tell them what to do in any sense. The research studies back in the day would say that teaching/instructing our kids ends by about age eight. Yep, zero to eight then you are done. What you have taught them, the values you have instilled, etc. is solid by then. The next phase is just listening, believing in them, and supporting them to be their best selves ~ even if that self is well hidden for a few years. Don’t get me wrong, this is not always easy! Refraining from advice giving can leave holes in one’s tongue.
This reminds me of the type of counsel I would give parents when they were having a tough time with their teens. Even in adolescence, it is not wise to tell our kids what they should and shouldn’t be doing. First of all, they don’t really care, and probably wouldn’t listen or would do the opposite anyway. Secondly, when we are giving well-intentioned advice, it actually sends a message that we don’t believe they are capable of making good decisions. I know, by and large, that as a teen this is true a lot of the time. But we do want them to learn.
Some better responses to queries or tough choices from our almost adult kids should more along the lines of “it sounds like you are having a hard time” or “it seems like you have a tough decision to make” or “that is an interesting dilemma, tell me more about what you are thinking”. These types of messages instill a sense of confidence in them and opens communication instead of shutting it down. Furthermore it makes them think about their own next step, contributing to critical thinking skills. One of the hardest things to say when they are wondering about going to the party, having sex, doing drugs, etc. is “you are a smart person, I know you will make the right choice” because you are certain they will NOT! Again, much better to send them positive messages about the individual you know they can be, so that they are more likely to actually get there.
Coincidentally, I just had a client come back and see me whom I had seen ten years ago at age thirteen. She reminded me in our session that I had once counselled her on one of these very same dilemmas. A young girl, pondering going to an older kids’ party. She told me that I did not tell her not to go, but rather instructed her that if she chose to go, how to stay safe. “Hold onto your own drink, don’t put it down. Don’t take a drink from a stranger. Use the buddy system. Don’t go alone, and if your friend is out of your sight for more than five minutes, go looking for them! Even if they went to the bathroom, getting pulled into a bedroom unwillingly sadly is not uncommon. Yell their name and bang on doors if you don’t know where they are. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks!”
What is important about this kind of suppportive response is the confidence that is given to the vulnerable “child”. If they have confidence and are armed with tools, they are more likely to be safe and to learn good life lessons. This client not only relayed to me how much she appreciated that advice way back when, but that often she could hear my voice on her shoulder. A voice that was pointing her in the right direction.
Back to my daughter, she is leaving today. I am immensely sad as she moves away to her own farm. Proud too of course, but sad because in the past 1.5 years we have built a beautiful friendship. Laughing, playing cards, cooking, seeking advice from one another ~ all the great components of a good relationship.
We joked about the tumultuous relationship we have mostly had, and both came to the same conclusion: that we were enjoying a mutually respectful friendship for the first time. Perhaps a good time to end, I joked, on a high note! And the friendship is not ending, just the proximity. This bodes well for our future.
