Is choosing to live alone all it’s cracked up to be?

There is an alarming new trend emerging across the Western world where people are choosing to live alone. When we say ‘I’d rather be on my own than deal with someone else’s crap’, we are choosing to avoid the growth that the universe is offering up to us, whilst choosing to live with others.

This doesn't mean that the crap, so to speak, should be put up with at times, but we certainly need to redefine what is crap and what is not. Differences are natural in relationships. It is pretty much impossible to agree with everything with your partner. Yet it is possible to love someone unconditionally, that is despite your differences. This kind of love fostered in a relationship is where the need for space comes naturally.

Two heads are better than one!

I have no idea who said this, but it is so true.

There is a big difference between the need for some time alone for personal growth, as opposed to choosing to live life completely as a single person.

I have noticed this rise in both men and women choosing to live alone, because of past experiences in relationships or trauma through childhood.

Be careful when choosing to go life alone long term, because you may find yourself realising it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In good times, it might feel like the best option because there is no one to consult, clean up after or compromise with.

I get it because I have been there myself. I made a conscious choice in my early forties to live a single life, like many other women I have known, and have met since. I began to see and understand my choice was having a huge impact on my personal growth.

I sold all my friends a strong story, that I didn’t need a man in my life, and that I could rely on myself completely. The only saving grace for me was the time I took, when I was single, to do some invaluable internal work.

However, the most valuable lesson I learned was that I could still do this in a relationship with someone who knew how to give me space. Instead of finding someone who would happily give me the space I needed, I had inadvertently decided no man could do this. I am incredibly grateful that I discovered how completely wrong the basis of my argument was to decide to go it alone.

When we age living alone, we create what seem like immovable objects, which become barriers to success in all our relationships. When we don't have to factor in others, we can accidentally become selfish and inflexible. I saw this in my mother, when in her later years, she consciously chose to remain alone. It is much easier to see these traits in others than in yourself.

Life is not meant to be lived completely alone, or else we would all have a planet each to call home.

The lessons learned through life come through acceptance, openness, curiosity, compromise and surrender. Some lessons come kindly and some are thrust upon us with force. They all teach us something that grows us as human beings. Some of these traits are easier to develop than others, yet the harder they are to develop, the more they bring to your growth.

Surrender was tough for me in the early days. I defended my rights, my space, my decisions and my way for a very long time. Why? Because I thought surrender was for the weak. There was no way I was signing up for that gig. If this sounds familiar to you, it is because it is more familiar in life than we realise.

When I realised that surrender took all the strength I could muster, then the penny dropped. Surrender is for the strong! Yet we are taught this the other way around. You might find, if you look hard enough, this may be by design rather than accident.

Should you choose to remain alone as an adult, you are also choosing to miss out on all the growth opportunities, good and bad that come with the experiences only found in loving relationships, that require you to factor in another person whilst they fully breach your personal space and boundaries. Not to mention how they manage to fully rub up against the trauma of your social & cultural conditioning, which has built somewhat immovable walls called trauma, habits and beliefs. This is where all the good growth happens. Believe me, this is where I found the beautiful quality of surrender.

You don’t grow when you play it safe, constantly getting in your own way, when you don’t have to consider anyone else when making decisions.

You might think that the idea alone seems almost heavenly, excuse the pun. Yet in reality, after a few years at best, when loneliness kicks in and all your people have other people, the novelty wears off fast. Ask a single person honestly if they feel fulfilled at 60 after living years alone, and if they open up and tell the truth. That is, loneliness is one of the worst experiences a human being can ever encounter.

We are simply not meant to be alone for years on end. No matter how independent or strong you are. As individuals living our own unique experiences, we bring immense value to the world, that needs to be shared. What others bring to your relationship is pure gold for your growth, and vice versa.

These experiences build unconditional love, tolerance and resilience. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming in the moment. Yet, in reflection later in life, all experiences shape the person you have become. How you choose to experience these growth opportunities or threats, is completely up to you. It is completely your choice.

Do you choose to surrender to the river of life? Or do you decide to sit on the riverbank and watch?

Life is like a river, you can either surrender to the river knowing it will always carry you where you need to go, and grow through the rapids and even over the waterfalls. Alternatively, you can sit on the bank alone holding a tree, determined to never let go of trauma or difficulties from past relationships, and watch the world as people and opportunities pass you by again and again.

The river of life is not trying to intentionally destroy you. On the contrary, it wants to deliver you to live your best life possible. So, all you need to do is first loosen your grip, then take a big breath and let go of the tree you have been clinging to, knowing that when you surrender, the water of the river of life feels more like beautiful unconditional loving help, than the bark that is tearing the skin off your hands.

There are others just like you, ready to take that big breath and rejoin the river of life, but if you don’t let go of that tree you will never see them.

What are you waiting for, your life is meant to be lived!

Someone on that river is looking for you, whether you are messy or tidy, trauma and all. Together, you can navigate the rapids and yell woohoo as you go over the waterfalls.

All of life’s experiences are better shared and the right person will always give you the space and time you need alone. However, when you need them to hold your hand in the dark days, they will always be there.

Today, if you have chosen to go solo, whether old or young, I would suggest rather than living in fear of being hurt, choose to live instead through all that life is, and choose to grow.

Learning to tolerate other’s annoying habits, opinions and ways of seeing the world, in a relationship built on unconditional love, is where true wealth can be found.

Invite growth, allow trauma to leave, and surrender to the bounty of life this universe wants you to have.

You deserve it all! You are enough!

Life is waiting, don’t get to your last days and wish you had done it differently. It is never too late to jump back into the river. When you stop fighting life you realise how effortless and joyfully all experiences in life help you grow, moment by moment, day by day.

Much love to you!

I will see you on the river!