The accidental trap of mirroring hate

“What you focus on, you feed”

Sounds like a riddle, right? However, it is in reality, just a straightforward way of articulating the transfer of hate from the oppressor to the victim. Something that happens in the blink of an eye.

Buddha describes it beautifully in a story of an angry man he learns about in a village he visited. It would seem that this man was bringing his anger to everyone in the village, leaving many of them to complain to Buddha. Buddha’s response to each of them was to say, ‘Send him to me’, so they did.

This story of Buddhas goes on to explain that you have two options when it comes to someone bringing their anger to you. You can either accept the anger at the time, like a handshake and reciprocate with your anger in return. Alternatively, you can say no thank you.

For both options, several transactions occur. One is the physical experience of the exchange, which is held within the body. Another is the emotional experience that arises as a result of the exchange, held within the heart. Another is the mental experience, framed by the way you have been conditioned to think.

The most subtle of all transactions that occur during an exchange is an energetic transaction, woven into the entire experience, so much so that you likely don’t recognise it at all. In this transaction you have one of two choices, you can either choose to amplify the energy or you can choose to transmute the energy.

When you are unable to recognise the energetic transaction that is occurring in real time, you will automatically choose the path of least resistance. We often call this auto-pilot.

When in autopilot mode, you accept his anger and return it back at him with the anger now amplified. This very moment of amplification is the beginning of an argument, where both parties are repetitively amplifying hate in a constantly repeating loop cycle. All of which incidentally can be measured through science.

We are taught the amplification response mechanism, which is then reinforced time and time again, through social and cultural conditioning. The lessons of amplification are embedded through all learning styles, becoming your auto-pilot. An auto-pilot left unchecked can lead to much unnecessary suffering in life.

Our parents unknowingly transfer this condition they learned from their parents, and their parent’s parents for generation upon generation.

It often looks something like this;

• It’s your right to stand your ground.
• Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.
• Give it back to them twice as hard.
• And others with many more superlatives.

Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Did your parents ever say any of these in the event you were faced with a bully?

I was bullied significantly as a child, and reflecting on my experience taught me a lot as an adult.

My mum always said;

‘just walk away, don’t give them the satisfaction of making you angry’

This made a lot more sense in reflection than it did at the time my mother told me as a child. Reflection is a very useful exercise to begin the process of modifying your auto-pilot. Yes, that’s right you can completely modify your auto-pilot at any time you want. Imagine how different it could have been for me as a child if I understood that I could, with practice modify my auto-pilot.

What would your life look like if you could learn how to do this yourself? Better still, if you could teach your children to do the same?

Many people I know had a very different experience. In fact particularly men. As boys, many men I’ve asked were told, ‘be brave and stand up for yourself’.

In effect, it would appear that most boys of my era were told to fight anger with anger, yet most girls were taught to walk away. The social and cultural embedded conditions for this are vast, impacting every part of our lives, for both men and women.

However, it would seem that Buddha was right, that in the moment of anger being thrust at you, you have a choice to make, even if in the moment you don’t see it.

I am not about to tell you that this choice, is by any means, easy at all to recognise and rationalise on the fly. In the heat of the moment, we all know it can be incredibly hard to choose love when hate is thrown in your face, especially if you have been triggered by a traumatic experience from your past.

Let’s face it, we all carry trauma, it’s a natural part of the human experience. Yet, so too is our ability to self-heal from trauma. The next sentence might be hard to read, so brace yourself and be brave.

The triggering experiences that make you want to fight back anger with anger, are actually beautiful gifts, that show up in your life as opportunities to help you heal from past trauma.

So, what if we all learned to metaphorically, say no thank you when hate comes knocking?

It is a legitimate alternative that Buddha aspired to himself, and a practice taught to many generations of Buddhist monks after him.

Understanding that there is an alternative is the beginning. Through practice, you can learn to make a choice and eventually not take on another person’s anger at all, one transaction at a time.

The process of modifying your auto-pilot can be learned through the beautiful practice of meditation. I bet you didn’t think meditation was about making changes in your life, away from the closed-eye spot on your chair or mat, where you usually choose to meditate. I like to call meditation, ‘practising to live better’.

Let me explain. There are basically, what I like to coin the four stages of meditative practice.

The 4 stages of meditation

Here they are:-

Stage 1 — Awareness

Having the awareness that the mind drifts away during meditation practice.

Stage 2 — Catch the drift

Gaining the ability to see the mind drift away and return after some time during meditation practice.

Stage 3 — Stop the drift

Refining the ability to catch the mind as it attempts to drift away during meditation practice.

Stage 4 — Bring it to life

Mastering the ability to do stages 1,2 and 3 whilst living, outside of meditation, one interaction at a time.

When you become aware of your ability to Master your auto-pilot, you get to change the way you choose to interact with other people’s anger, as it approaches you, one interaction at a time. When you don’t choose anger, you are in effect choosing love over hate.

When we consciously choose love instead of hate, in the heat of the moment, this is an incredibly potent act of transmutation. The power of which should never be understated. Incidentally, this can also now be easily measured scientifically along with all the other energetic activity associated with how we interact with one another.

So what do I mean by transmutation?

First, let’s consult the dictionary, and then I will share a personal, yet common example in action that may help you put the idea into action.

The dictionary defines transmutation as;

‘The act or process of changing something into something else completely’

So let’s look at an example of a common opportunity where this can occur in everyday life;

Imagine a repeating argument you have with a partner or relative, where each time the topic comes up it causes friction, so you both get angry.

For transmutation to occur in this circumstance, when the first person gets angry, the second person recognises that anger wants to rise in them. Yet, instead of getting angry, the second person decides to take a deep breath and try a different approach, to respond with love, instead of more anger.

What happens next is so simple, yet, incredibly beautiful. In creating a diversion off the standard path to begin to argue, the second person has created an opportunity for dialogue. This, in turn, offers the first person an opportunity to re-think their anger and position.

I have learned to develop this skill personally and have also taught many others to do the same. It is a superpower in relationship building.

Imagine if you were triggered by trauma, and got angry at someone based on that trigger. Then instead of getting angry, they replied by lovingly giving you space to pause and rethink your position and chose not to meet your anger with anger. What a gift that would be, right?

Imagine now what the world would look like, if we were all taught to show this compassion towards others when trauma rose within them.

What would work be like? What would your family relationships look like?

When this becomes the norm, what would community relationships look like? What about religious tolerance or our ability to negotiate across international borders?

It all begins with the first step, which starts with the choices we make in each moment of an interaction. Choosing whether to amplify anger or to transmute it from anger, into something that serves all of humanity better. Love.

As humans, what incredible creatures we are, that we can turn anger and hate into love by choosing to transmute it, through kindness, compassion, understanding and love, rather than amplify it with more of the same, fear, anger and hate.

Let’s change the world together, by changing this one choice we all have, to choose love instead of hate. Let’s develop our own ability to show empathy when someone is angry, understanding that it is a beautiful opportunity to help them heal from the trauma behind their trigger.

In this way, everyone wins. As we choose to be in the service of others, we are also choosing to release our own trauma, by learning the beautiful practice of modifying our auto-pilot on the fly, one interaction at a time.

A more compassionate world awaits us all. Simply by focusing on what you want to feed. Love, that is.

Much love to you all.