Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under
Self-Compassion trumps Self-Esteem
Ralph Waldo Emerson, one of the New England Transcendentalists, was very influential for me as a teenager. I have found many of his essays and aphorisms to be very useful, both personally and professionally. The one pearl I have gotten the most mileage out of is from his essay Love, written in 1841: “Each man sees over his own experience a stain of error, whilst that of other men looks fair and ideal.”
When considering self-esteem and self-evaluation, the stain of error is a useful concept. It is optimal to have a realistic view of oneself, neither too inflated or deflated, so that life in the world may be navigated optimally. When we compare ourselves to others, we may feel better or worse. It may be more useful to minimize comparison and instead consider our connections to one another and all life forms on the planet if we are working towards building a healthier relationship to the self.
High self-esteem may be a detriment in some situations, leading to feelings of superiority, entitlement, and control over others. Conversely, many of us have a tendency to assess ourselves with the “stain of error” omnipresent, feeling somehow uniquely deficient and partnered with struggle more so than others.
A healthy respect for moderation and middle-ground may be useful in formulating more practical evaluations of our strengths, weaknesses, skills, abilities, and areas for growth. It may also be useful to consider self-esteem as a moving target — we may have a baseline, but we may experience esteem “fluctuations.” An individual may feel competent and worthy one day, and then have a shame and inferiority attack the next!
Nathaniel Branden, a modern pioneer for the concept of self-esteem, explains it as follows: “Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment — happiness — are right and natural for us. “
The most important foundation of self-esteem is generally regarded as early parental/caregiver interaction and treatment. Many clients who have experienced abuse, abandonment, and neglect have asked me how they will effectively cope with life’s challenges when they are missing that important building block, and have had their person-hood violated in some way.
This is an excellent opportunity to harness the current neuroscientific information about our ability to influence our brain structure and activity. This is by no means an easy task and I strive to never discount the reality of the inherent challenges. It can be done as a result of consistent focus and effort, and those lacking a secure attachment foundation from their early development can work towards what social psychologist Daniel Gilbert calls “earned secure attachment.”
Translation: if your childhood did not produce conditions for healthy self-regard and self-acceptance to take root, it is time to parent yourself. A skilled psychotherapist or life coach can be extremely useful as a guide in this endeavor. There are myriad resources available through print and electronic media.
Building a healthier sense of self-acceptance and compassion is a practice, a work in progress, and will inform and affect all of your life’s interactions and experiences. You may begin parenting yourself at any time. Excellent self-care is essential, that you make taking care of yourself a priority, and care for yourself as you would a beloved child.
There is no perfect childhood on Earth, and to some extent most humans will have some issues with self-esteem throughout their life. A useful strategy is to identify your habits of self-criticism and possible denigration and self-loathing. I like to say “the hits keep coming from the outside world, why have them come from within? How about you try get on your own team, be your own inner cheerleader or coach?”
Awareness, as always, is the first step. There is currently debate in the field over the utility of positive self-statements and affirmations, so as usual this is not a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter prescription. Someone with a higher sense of self-esteem may feel empowered and strengthened by repeating positive affirmations, and someone starting with a lower self-esteem may feel worse.
Self-compassion and acceptance may be more important stances for optimal living, more essential and useful then high self-esteem. Current research supports this orientation, notably that of Kristen Neff at University of Texas at Austin, and Juliana Breines and Serena Chen from University of California at Berkeley.
Self-compassion essentially means to take the elements of compassion and direct them towards the self. Since compassion is a state of empathic connection with the suffering of others,, which motivates one to move towards and assist, self-compassion puts you in a state of empathy with your own suffering and challenges. In essence, you move towards yourself to assist in the same way you would for a loved one, a friend, a human or animal in distress.
Self-compassion is not pity, as pity is generally compassion minus the motivation to take action and assist. Dr. Neff has a self-compassion test on her website, www.self-compassion.org, which can provide some clarity if you are wanting to explore the concept in a more personal way. The test items include questions related to self-judgment, tolerance for the self, acceptance and tolerance of things we dislike about ourselves, and perspective related to taking the human condition into account.
Self-compassion is different from self-esteem in that it does not rely on evaluation of the self, so it may seem counter-intuitive to determine your self-compassion test score! I encourage my clients to take the test more as a source of information and edification about what constitutes self-compassion, and to consider what areas may be targeted for personal growth.
Some of my clients have voiced concerns that having compassion for themselves will somehow make them slackers, who give themselves a free pass for every error or perceived transgression, that it will cause them to lower their standards and goals. Breines and Chen’s research suggests that having self-compassion does not make one less motivated, but actually enhances motivation to improve.
Most clients I have worked with on cultivating self compassion agree that a viable initial goal is to begin to treat themselves with respect and a measure of acceptance. This can be operationalized by noticing when your harsh inner critic is in high gear, being disrespectful and unloving:
Try what I call the “Who Do You Think That You Are Talking To?” skill. Observe when you are harshly judging yourself, label it. Then reframe your statement and approach as though you were dealing with a friend or loved one. How would you change the tape? How would the related feelings and delivery change? Attempt to insert a healthy dose of respect and compassion.
Address yourself with your own name when changing your self-talk, or a non-first person pronoun, using “you” rather then addressing yourself in the first person with “I.”
An example I have personally experienced has to do with making a big mistake on a report for work. My inner critic leapt into action: “I am such a loser. Now everyone knows it since the report has already been distributed.”
Skill Cue: Who Do You Think That You Are Talking To? Oh yeah, myself!! Ouch, that hurt. Three deep breaths later, a reframe: “OK, you did not make your best effort. What’s the take-away? Next time you will check, check, double-check. Everyone makes mistakes, you included, welcome to the human family.”
That works for me, I haven’t abdicated all responsibility for the error, but accepted that I am not perfect and human with a measure of self-respect and compassion. Acceptance is about acknowledging the facts without criticism or judgment. Try it and challenge your inner critic to become an inner coach! I like to refer to this as a “compassionate reality check.”
Another important element in the journey of self-esteem/acceptance/compassion may be in considering a larger perspective than your own personal culture, family of origin, history, and experiences. Intrinsic worth is a useful concept to consider, particularly when our culture often puts a “price tag” on worth- who has more money, possessions, a bigger house, a faster car, more bling, etc.
The world’s religions and spiritual philosophies all contain some version of the concept of intrinsic worth. For example, Christians may refer to an inner “Christ Consciousness,” Buddhists “The Buddha Nature,” referring to the existence of the Creator, the Divine, within the self. This worth is not based on external circumstances, it does not have to be earned or won, it exists in your core.
Another way to consider the premise may be that one is worthy by nature of being born on the planet, and having a right to a place or seat for that time on Earth. Whatever works for the individual is key whether they ascribe to a particular religion, creed, spiritual path, atheism, etc. Going wide with the concept of being worthy as a human being provides potential fuel for greater self-acceptance and worth.
Max Ehrmann wrote the poem Desiderata in 1927, and it went viral in the early 1970’s in the United States. Consider the concept of intrinsic worth in the following verse:
“Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”
So, in times of struggle, having an epic bad day or week, in addition to practicing self-acceptance and compassion, challenge yourself to check in with the concept of intrinsic worth. Claim your right to be here, to be the authentic you, with all your strengths, flaws, and shared humanity.
