“Do I Hold On or Let Go?” — How to Love when you have Disorganized Attachment.
I felt the forceful energy of anger slowly pulsating through my veins.
It had been hours since I’d met up with him.
He felt kind, present, receptive, and available. But instead of being grateful and relishing in the experience of a new relationship, I was feeling resentful, shameful, confused, frazzled, disorganized, off-centered, angry — as I often would every time we spent the day together.
The anxiety of my confusion had quickly escalated. I found myself spiraling down into a rabbit hole of self-destructive, self-deprecating thoughts. A few thoughts, in particular, stood out. I recall vividly thinking how I could not trust myself or even figure out how I felt, what I needed, and whether or not I wanted to proceed with a relationship.
“Is it the right one for me? Is there even such a thing as the ‘right’ one?”
Minutes later, I was so consumed by a myriad of emotions: shame, frustration, and self-doubt. I couldn’t continue sitting at my desk or looking at the words on my screen. I knew I had to mobilize the anger I was feeling to get some release. So I decided to go for a short run, ignoring the weather forecast warning of a storm and the -16 degree blazing cold.
