How might Buddhism help with difficult family relationships
The practice helps us with all relationships
Leaving aside ‘the perfect family’, you will always find difficulties within any family group. Parents, children, or siblings all come with their potential issues. There might be specific individuals who manage to press your buttons and cause you deep distress or maybe it is the overall culture of your particular family that brings you suffering.
The problem with family is that societal expectations mean that you feel you should be able to get on with all of them. You should be able to tolerate them, forgive them, welcome them, and generally give them more than you might a stranger or someone to whom you are not close, say a work colleague. But are these expectations realistic, are they actually valid?
So often the culture of the family unit is the source of most discomfort when it comes to relationships. Perhaps there is a hierarchy that dictates your position? Maybe all boys are expected to behave one way and all girls another? There might be traditions it is hard to avoid such as following in a father’s footsteps, or achieving certain things academically? To add to this there is still an expectation on one not to talk about family problems outside of the family circle, and depending upon ones background and even religious beliefs this may be much more than an expectation it may even come down to banishment or ultimately a threat to one’s life.
Let me start by saying that you do not have to get on with your parents, your siblings, or even your children. We would all like to, but it is not, and cannot be, a given. There is no reason that you should tolerate inappropriate behaviour from any family member, nor will you, if you wish to remain honest to yourself. In terms of family culture there are no prizes for martyrdom, nor for slavish adherence to family expectations, but there may well be a harsh self imposed punishment for allowing yourself to be subjugated by the family or any member of it. If you don’t examine your difficult relationships and make some serious decisions then you are just creating a rod for your own back.
Here are few examples of family issues.
Siblings. What can one say about siblings? They are all different and so are treated differently. Parents may treat one child well and another not so well, and as a result quite naturally resentment arises. There may be a hierarchy in which you are the unseen child. Certain children may behave badly (even as adults) and still get their parents approval or acceptance. In later life they may disappear for years at a time, doing their own thing, and then return to heartfelt greetings like latter day prodigal sons (or daughters), leaving the caring child who remained close by to wonder why on earth they bothered.
Parents. They may be overbearing, critical, or on the other hand totally disinterested. Even when you have grown they may still be judgemental and adopt the parent/child stance, or alternatively they may actually disregard you until the grandchildren appear and then start behaving in completely different ways to how they treated you as a child as they want to get ‘their share’ of the grandchildren.
Children. You expect a few problems in the teenage years, but at 30,35,45? When does your parental obligation cease and how much ongoing support should you give to the spendthrift, the alcoholic, the drug abuser, the serial womaniser?
The above examples are but a few of the numerous types of issues you may come across or be familiar with. You may easily have all of these relationship issues within one family. As they are all quite diverse, where do you go from here?
The first question you might ask yourself is, am I obliged to behave differently within the family to outside it? Am I obliged, or worse still, pressured to conform to the idea that ‘the family’ is somehow the overriding consideration in my life no matter how it behaves towards me? In a strangely similar fashion to which the old style communist party’s dominance overrode the individual’s happiness at all costs.
The second question might be, am I conflicted about this issue because without the family I somehow lose something essential? Am I afraid I might become an outcast, a refugee, homeless in an emotional context?
In answer to these questions I would say the following, first of all, any relationship that is based upon the premise that one partner is more important than the other is a flawed relationship and cannot bring forth positive outcomes. If your family’s requirement of you to behave in a certain way is more important than your right to be yourself then this is not a good relationship you are in.
The second thing I would say is that so often in life people remain in damaging relationships because they are afraid leaving them will mean they have failed, they are wrong, they deserve nothing better, they cannot survive alone etc. It is sad but true to say that in many cases individuals may be so used to being abused within relationships that it becomes addictive.
Although having a more complex dynamic, the way one views being in a family should essentially be no different from the way one might regard a one to one relationship. For example, should you accept behaviour from your family that you would not accept from a life partner?
So where does Buddhism come into the equation? In so many ways Buddhist teachings should be able to help someone conflicted by these issues, even though the role of families in the society in which the Buddha taught was vastly different to the one in which we now live.
It seems to me that two things are important when trying to deal with these issues. The first must be compassion and loving kindness to heal any wounds. The second is developing a sound sense of self, enabling one to establish reasonable boundaries. Now before I go further there might be some reading this article who are saying ‘wait a minute, I thought a fundamental principle of Buddhism was to shed the sense of self!’ This is true but most people are not quite at that point in their practice where they understand enough to do so. For the moment lets assume that side of things is for a later discussion.
So, compassion and loving kindness, how does this help?
Many people have been deeply hurt by family, both by the rigid concept of certain family values that have forced them into being someone they don’t want to be or have denied them the right to express their true selves, and or alternatively have been damaged by specific individuals within the family group. In order to repair that damage it is necessary to summon up compassion and to practice Metta. (loving kindness). This practice offers the opportunity not only to begin to think positively about others but also about oneself.
We have a choice when we have been hurt which is to continue to suffer, or alternatively to deal with our suffering by acknowledging that the hurt we feel on an ongoing basis is generated by ourselves, no matter how that hurt came about. You may have been unkind to me, but I generate the ongoing feelings of hurt and of suffering in myself.
Even if you apologise for what you have done, it does not necessarily take the pain away. It may ease the situation but often it does no more than that.
Loving kindness practice teaches us to be humble, to accept that everybody at some time hurts another either deliberately or by omission and so without even knowing it we too will be responsible for someone else’s distress. We must accept that forgiveness of others unskillful actions ultimately gives us freedom, and it is through the practice of Metta that we can learn to forgive and become free.
Now this is no wishy washy ‘you must just learn to love everyone’ practice. To practice Metta in a heartfelt way is often taxing and I have seen many people unable to say the the words ‘May you be well, May you be happy, May you be at peace’ when thinking of another who has hurt them, and I have seen them struggle even more saying it to themselves! You not only have to mean it, you have to physically feel it. You have to summon up the image of the person (or yourself) and truly offer them your kind thoughts and good wishes. There is no use pretending, no point in mouthing the words, for that will alter nothing. Only a deep change in the way you relate to that person will have any effect.
Some of you reading this might be saying ‘wait a minute, I am the wronged one, and here I am making all of the effort, how does that work?’
As I have already said, you have been wronged, hurt has been done to you, but you must face the fact your continued suffering is actually generated by your own mind. ‘They’ have walked away and are no longer the cause of your suffering. So you have a choice, you can continue shouting at someone who is no longer in the room or you can accept the fact that you can take steps to heal the wound you feel.
Imagine for a moment someone has shot you with an arrow. The arrow has pierced you and is causing you incredible pain. They have long since disappeared into the woods. Do you sit there and refuse to pluck the arrow out until they come and apologise in person?
So the second step is to create sufficient boundaries to protect oneself.
There comes a point in any relationship whether it is one to one or within a group when one realises that uncomfortable things are occurring and not only that, they are happening again and again. There might be a ‘lightbulb’ moment when you realise it’s Groundhog Day again, or maybe a new partner or friend points out to you that you have been in this situation before. It can happen a number of ways but one way or another you realise something needs to change, but who is going to change?
Depending on the circumstances it might be possible to talk things through, and of course if this can be done then that is the most appropriate course of action but sometimes this is impossible or it gets you nowhere. The dominant parent who cannot see what they have done or are doing, the sibling who continues to let you down, the grown child who will not grow up and is still causing you problems. At the end of the day you have to say enough is enough for your own self preservation.
Even with the practice of Metta there comes a point where you have to say ‘I am sorry but this relationship is harming me and I must walk away.’ Unfortunately it is often the best and only thing one can do. We may feel that we have attachment to someone but that does not mean we should allow them to harm us.
Sometimes the boundaries we set enable the other person to realise their unskillful actions. It stops them in their tracks and they see how they are behaving. We are no longer enabling them. They have to look at themselves and examine how it happened. If they don’t or are not prepared to, then it shows, for whatever reason, they cannot change and can only see you for what they can get from you.
It takes strength to say no, but doing so ultimately gives you even greater strength and enables you to live a better life, one in which you know you are being true to yourself.
Some cannot give up the family, cannot let go of those who damage them, it is not possible to get over the deep connections society and early bonding creates. It is not possible for everyone to walk away or to forge a new relationship based on strong boundaries. Some can however, with the benefits of the practice they follow, and those who can may be able, through example, to help others to see that it is more important to be true to your own values than to be a slave to someone else’s.
.
