Closure. It’s something that we all think will make us feel better. It will help us deal with rejection or sit with grief when a relationship is lost.
But Life doesn’t always allow us to tie up our losses in neat little bundles that can be ‘put away’. Wrapped up in pretty paper with a ribbon and stowed away in the back of our memories. Done and dusted.
Whenever we are wounded — we seek a way out, a way past the pain. The deeper the cut, the more we struggle. We bleed unnecessarily and for longer as we pick at the scab and think resolution must come from an external source.
I’ve had more unresolved relationships than I really want to ponder. My mother died with everyone around her commanded to silence about her prognosis. Back in 1973, families protected the dying from the knowledge of their impending transition. My father would stop speaking to me for weeks at a time when I did/said something to him that pissed him off. And then when it suited him do a complete 180 and pretend his ire never happened. He would pick up right where he had left off before he punished me with his silence. A few of my relationships with men also lie in this no-man’s land. No explanations, no ability to communicate. Just an empty space where love used to live.
How do we ever get closure with those who have left us hanging? Certainly not from the Human on the other side of that particular equation.
If we want peace, we have to let what is — Be. Sometimes we have played a role in the dissolution of the relationship. Other times we are left scratching our heads wondering what the hell just happened here? But either way — we have to get our minds around Our Now. If we dwell on what happened in the past or project our anxiety into the future, we lose the opportunity to find peace in the present.
We like to believe we are in control. Of All. The. Things. But we can never control the reactions of the Humans in our life. Each of them comes to us with their own troubled inner landscape, their own triggers, and their own wounds to heal. Some of them die unexpectedly. We cannot alter any of those things that belong to someone else. The best we can hope for is to monitor OUR inner landscape, recognize OUR triggers, and heal OUR wounds.
Closure doesn’t come to us from an external source. Resolution of lost, abandoned, and difficult relationships must come from within. We need to live our lives without the apology we feel we deserve. We need to put down the burden we carry when we refuse to let go of what needs to go. We need to understand not everyone will take every step with us on our journey.
And that’s ok.
Easier said than done — right? But that is the real challenge in our lives. My Life. It’s not about tracking someone down and confronting them. It’s not about the unfinished business of Humans I love who have died. It’s about me. My inner landscape. Why do I feel the way I feel? Why do I react the way I do? How can I survive this loss?
It’s about focusing on the Humans who have stayed with me. Those Humans who accept me as I am, who support me without hesitations, who love me beyond reason. It’s about showing gratitude for what I have. It’s about letting go of what is gone with grace. It’s about understanding that both of those situations are blessings.
“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.” — James Strock