The First and Most Important Lesson
Learning how to practice alone while in a class
So, there I was, soft cushioning of a new yoga mat beneath my feet, the smell of incense lingering in the air, the low murmur of excited voices around me as we embarked on something as terrifying as it was exciting… teacher training.
Full of ideas and visions of what the months ahead would hold, I found myself battling with other images, other ideas. Those of comparison and failure before I’d even begun. I knew entering the door I would stand out in this space, I am far from the Instagram yoga ideal after all. With my brown skin, thick thighs, and shall we say, voluptuous curves, I don’t meet the yogini stereotype and while usually, that was more than okay, entering a space as a vulnerable beginner waves of insecurity washed over me, and doubts took hold.
We began with movement and standing at the front of my mat with my feet placed under hips rather than close together to give myself the support and solidity I needed, I closed my eyes and followed by breath. Bending forward my awareness of my body filled my thoughts. The press of my chest and belly squeezing the air out of my lungs as my fingers grazed the floor. The painful knowing that each cue, each movement, was made for the person next to me, in front of me and behind me, but not for me, not for this body.
