How I Found Myself in the Wake of My Mom’s Death
It was early morning that day. The sky was still dark when I heard muffled crying. I kept my eyes firmly closed. I had this horrible feeling deep in my gut, but I did not want to face any of it just yet. I heard more people scurry into the room, and on cue, more cries emerged. I knew I could not escape this scene any longer. I opened my eyes.
To the left side of the bed laid my mom, all thin and frail. I felt cold. But just as sudden as that feeling came a deep fiery warmth that enveloped my chest. I was taken aback by this and frantically asked my younger brother for a glass of water. I drank the water down and the warmth slowly subsided. That was the moment I knew she was truly gone.
My mom bravely fought and lost a long and painful battle with breast cancer. “You don’t know what you have until you lose it”, oh you don’t know how much these words ring true. She was my role model and my best friend. She has always been there for me, and even in her dying days I delusionally thought she would always be there for me.
With her sickness and death came a 180° shift in my life. My mom was without a doubt a big part of who I am, a big part of all my decisions, big and small. I am a middle child and a very indecisive kid. I asked my mom about her opinions on everything, from ‘should I put a comma here’ to ‘what course should I take for college’. I remember thinking since I was small that I will also become a doctor one day, so I can be successful just like my mom.
But of course, I wasn’t my mom. I wasn’t as organized, I wasn’t as conscientious or diligent, and I cannot stand science. I passed the exams but there was no way I’d survive medical school with my work ethic. And so when I ultimately did not pursue that path I sincerely thought I had become a total utter failure. My mom was the first to insistently tell me that not being a doctor did not mean it was the end of the world. I didn’t believe her. Being a doctor was the only thing I knew I wanted to become, what else was there?
Time went by and I would still wallow in that same sentiment. But now that my mom isn’t here, I…