We enter relationships with certain beliefs about how the relationship should look like and the ways it suppose to make us feel. When this beliefs become expectations they can very much define our behaviour and the dynamics of the relationship. Check your opinion on 5 assumptions about relationships below and feel free to add your own beliefs in the comments section.
- Feeling anxious in a relationship is a bad sign. False. People have tendency to understand what is causing their anxiety, whether it is showing as body sensations like a chest pain, difficult breathing, muscle tension, restlessness or emotions like anger, sadness, fear. Our mind is constantly looking for rational explanations and reasons for it. Unfortunately, our interpretations are sometimes biased. They can be based on bad experiences from the past or fearful vision of the future- in both cases they are not necessarily the reflection of the current relationship.
- Fighting with you partner can be a good thing. True. Conflicts are part of relationships. It is not the lack of the conflicts that makes the relationship healthy. It is rather how you approach to a conflict and what you do with it. Avoiding the conflict can actually lead to distancing between partners. When the relationship deepens and both partners become more vulnerable, it can be small things that trigger intense emotions like anger or sadness. Even if it seems like you are fighting over small things, it is worth understanding what expectations are not being met. Every conflict can become an opportunity to get to know yourself better and to gain insight into your relationship. If you see conflicts as an opportunity to grow, it can help you deepen the relationship and become even closer than before.
- You and your partner should learn from other couples. True and false. Each relationship is different. Couples may seem to have similar struggles but they experience and resolve them differently. When they are flourishing, they are flourishing in different ways as well. Embrace your uniqueness and evolve what is distinctive for you. It is important to be aware of the values you share with your partner and nurture those. Pick up the activities you both enjoy, create your own routine or even develop your own language, your kind of jokes. However, we can learn from other couples too. Comparing to others can help you identify your own needs and values. It can broaden the spectrum of possible approaches, behaviour, activities, ways of resolving issues or simply ways of having fun so you can then integrate what applies most for you and your partner.
- The more similar you are, the better it is for the relationship. False. With many relationships that didn’t work, the fact they had so little in common wasn’t the reason why. Dr. John Gottman, researcher of marriages and families and co-founder of Gottman Institute, suggests that whatever the differences between the partners, “Happy couples find a way of creating shared meaning together”. They can create it through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. Happy couples also show interest in other’s partners interest even if their own interests are different. It doesn’t mean that you should abandon your personal interests and intimate values but try to create shared values too.
- Going to couples therapy means your relationship is in real trouble. False. When the relationship becomes more intimate it can trigger a spectrum of different emotions, connected to previous relationships or past experiences grounded in childhood and upbringing. Relationship therapy is a good option- whether as an individual or a couple. Couples often seek counselling when they have been suffering for a long time or they become sceptic about the continuation of the relationship. Instead, therapy can be seen as a prevention rather than cure. There are many benefits of couples therapy. Not only you receive an early insight into dynamics of the relationship but it also helps you understand the boundaries, modify dysfunctional behaviour and develop communicating skills- the foundation of every healthy relationship.
MindGuide provides free online therapy, anytime, anywhere. Have an audio, video or a text-chat session with the therapist. Take care of your future by taking care of it now.
