Do You Love Yourself Conditionally?
There is a strange mix of culture, conditioning and childhood trauma that combine together to tell a story about how we should love ourselves. A story which largely unwinds as follows:
- You are not enough until…
- You are not worthy of love unless…
- You should be praised despite….
- You would deserve it but you didn’t do…
- If only you had done…
There’s always some unknown. An unknown condition that is given to us which we transfer to ourselves which tells us how to love ourselves.
These phrases ingrain a simple untruth within us which follows us wherever we go and continually corrodes our sense of self, our self-belief and our ability to love and accept ourselves fully.
These phrases tell us that we can or should only be loved by ourselves and by others if a condition is met. This might be the salary we earn, the grades we get, the sporting performance we achieve. Insert your thing(s) here.
It follows that our lives do not inherently hold value by themselves. Implying that something has to happen or continually occur for us to give ourselves permission to love ourselves; or to allow ourselves to be loved by others.
This is a fallacy. A falsehood. A lie.
Self-love is looking inwards and being ok with what you find.
There is no missing piece. What we are, what we have and what we do is already enough.
Imagine a world in which our children loved themselves and each other without question, without condition and without hesitation. Imagine how those children would grow up to treat and accept one another. Imagine how those adults might understand each other that little bit better each day.
Idealistic, maybe. Possible, why not? Since we have to do more to love ourselves without condition. To unlearn that our lives are valuable as they are. Our thoughts, our ideas, our selves hold inherent value. We have to do more to tell ourselves that we are enough. Full stop.
So, what’s my go-to list of habits, techniques and ideas to help me love myself that little bit more? To help myself to avoid the trap of acting in a self-defeating or self-deprecating way. Let’s have a look — I hope they are of use.
1. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Reinforce this daily as you make the mistakes you will inevitably make.
One of the main themes of self-acceptance is permission. Permission to feel, to do things ‘wrong’, and simply to be. Mistakes are inevitable. Remember, if you’re not making mistakes, not only are you not doing anything — you’re staying in the same place. So, know that mistakes are inevitable and then when they happen, they impact your sense of self-love less.
2. You can tie your self-worth to internal things first.
You can tie your self-worth to internal and external things. Internal might be pursuing self-acceptance vs external something like grades. My message is that external is fine, good even. But external should come second. You can tie your self-worth to external things — but let that lift you up. Like that feeling when you’re feeling yourself in that favourite outfit that just can’t be beaten. Live that feeling and allow it to lift you up but don’t bring yourself down if you’re not wearing it.
3. You have to let go of people. Closure starts with you.
People come and go throughout life. Hopefully, the best people stay but sometimes even they move on. The one constant is you, so
4. Lean into your fears and discomfort.
To get to a place of self-love, you need to validate all of your emotions. The whole range. That includes the fear, the hate, the anxiety and the stress. Interrogate them, accept them and allow them to pass.
5. Set boundaries and speak your mind with yourself and those around you.
As humans, we’re capable of communicating in ways beyond the verbal. One of the main challenges with this is that we expect others to read our non-verbal cues. Our little games, our hints and nudges. The problem, though, is that not everyone can read non-verbal cues in the same way as we can.
So, verbalise what you can as often as possible. Don’t wait for permission. Verbalise your experience, put words to your feelings, set boundaries for yourself and talk to those around you — you’ll feel better for it and should feel more in control.
6. Put yourself first.
We are all the centre of our own universes and the thing is, no one spends more time thinking about you than you do. So, put yourself first. Take the me-time that you need and find the things that help you to decompress and relax. Fit these things into your regular routine.
Remember to take everything one step at a time and remember that self-love is a daily process that you can go on by following thoughts through to actions. It’s not a destination but you can feel your way in the right direction. Baby steps.
Take care out there,
Ryan
Written by Ryan McGee for MindMapper UK. www.mindmapperuk.com
Making mental health easy to navigate for young people. Creating the mental health gym you want to use.
