Mental Illness: Why am I still not better after 5+ years of CBT, counselling, psychotherapy, and anti-depressants?
Why am I still not better after 5+ years of CBT, therapy, and anti-depressants?
It is a question I ask myself every time I have a ‘wobble’. I call it a wobble because it’s much easier than saying I was in a dark enough place that I considered not living anymore or my paranoia was so prevalent that I couldn’t leave my flat.
I have worked hard to get better — I really have. Two and a half years ago, when a relationship with my partner of five years was breaking down, we thought the answer to our problems was me getting better. I would work hard to come off anti-depressants all together.
In my heart of hearts, I was gutted that he felt that way because I knew how much those anti-depressants had done for me up until this point.
Needless to say, that relationship ended, and my mental health got worse as a result of the breakup. I did not come off the anti-depressants.
Depression 1.0
In 2016, I was diagnosed with depression. In 2017, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In 2019, I had a stint of psychosis and have been receiving treatment ever since. It’s safe to say, that my journey with my mental health has been somewhat of a rollercoaster.
I remember after my first six sessions of counseling through an employee assistance programme, that I thought I had nailed it. I felt better — depression, done. No longer would I have to deal with it, but I knew what it was like now, so I could help other people deal with it.
When it crept back into my life it felt like a lingering fart in a packed train — no one likes it, everyone has to deal with it and we’re not 100% sure where it came from. I did more solution-based counseling, started a new job and off I went off into the world.
Depression & Anxiety 1.1
6 months later, here it was — I began my journey again, back to the doctors, dosage upped and this time a new diagnosis.
This time I tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I was in a group and I had 5 sessions, 5 weeks and one goal — I am going to beat this anxiety. The depression was subsiding at this point — I was happy, I was just anxious.
I learnt so much in that time and there are many techniques I still use today that help me manage my anxiety. It was good and I felt confident I could go on and live my life managing with these techniques and anti-depressants.
Depression & Anxiety 2.0
When life changes, you find you need different things to adapt. I had been recommended long term counselling, but quite honestly, I could not afford it. I was on a waiting list (like the world is at the moment) and my parents had offered to pay, but I was too proud and stubborn to accept money from them for something I thought I could sort out myself.
This was my biggest mistake — not accepting help when it’s offered. If I had accepted that money, and started my therapy journey earlier, I might have been able to prevent some of the events that followed. It’s hard to say if that would be the case or if life just threw so much at me in one go, that my brain just imploded and what happened next was life changing for me.
Psychosis 3.0
If you are unfamiliar with Psychosis (which I was, even at diagnosis — probably because I was still experiencing it, it was hard for me to understand), it’s when you lose some sort of contact with reality. For me, it involved hallucinations, delusions, mass paranoia and anxiety like I’d never experienced before. It was scary, it was confusing and was horrible for anyone on the outside watching me go through it.
The reasons that led to it are still too painful to go into right now and it’s something me and my psychotherapist are working through. I’ve been working with her since January and she’s bloody brilliant.
How did I get her? Through having Psychosis. How long did I have to wait for it? About 16 months after I first went through it.
I was incredibly lucky to have been referred to a service close to my home in Preston that dealt with early diagnosis. I was also lucky that my Dad wasn’t working at the time so could essentially be my full-time carer when I was experiencing it. My Mum took time off work and between us, we got through it. I was extremely lucky that the Psychosis only lasted 3 weeks. Any longer and I was at risk of experiencing something like PTSD, or a similar stress disorder.
My friends, including one who was on holiday with her family at the time, checked on me every day — even when my delusional thoughts told me she was hacking my phone. Other friends I’d had up until that point distanced themselves, and I’ve not really heard from them since. That still hurts by the way.
Mental Illness 4.0
Desperate to get my life back on track, I moved to London. Thanks to some wonderful persistence from an early intervention team in Blackpool, a lady called Dawn found me a service next to my new place of work in Lambeth. I was assigned with a key worker who I visited regularly up until this day since October 2019. I am one of the lucky ones — not everyone gets this, it is truly a postcode lottery, and I won — this time.
I am still very much working through what happened and for me psychotherapy has been the best thing so far. Will it work forever? Who knows? Will I come off anti-depressants eventually? Honestly, I’m not sure.
Do I care anymore about having the stigma of therapy or taking medication attached to my life? Absolutely not. Not anymore. Why? Because it’s working for me, and it’s helping me right now and that’s what matters most to me.
Mental Health 5.0
Your mental health journey will be like a rollercoaster, and honestly, even though you think you know what’s coming next, you’ll never know what it feels like until you’re on it. Also, rollercoasters break down despite whatever checks, safety measures and procedures have been put in place — sometimes you’ve got to sit and wait until the experts come in and tell you what to do.
So my final piece of advice is this: Stop asking this question ‘Why am I still not better after 5+ years of CBT, counselling, psychotherapy, and anti-depressants?’ and just try and enjoy the ride. Sometimes you’ll love it, sometimes you’ll hate it, and sometimes you’ll want to fling yourself off the top of it.
There is help and support out there, and if you don’t know where to find it, trust that it’ll find you.
Love always,
Lauren x
Lauren Gillett is a writer and the Head of Partnerships for MindMapperUK. Connect with her on Twitter @laurengillettwp or LinkedIn: Lauren Gillett.
