Women — You Are Not Alone
In response to the senseless murder of Sarah Everard last week, we recognise that many in our MindMapper community may be feeling fear, pain, anger, and deep sadness. For those who have been affected by sexual violence (either personally or via loved ones), we recognise this time may be especially difficult.
If you’ve been living under a rock, or quite sensibly taking a break from social media or the 24-hour news cycle — I need to take you back to a dark time for women as we watched the media report one of our own had been abducted and subsequently murdered. I wish I could say that this is the first time this has happened, but we all know it’s not.
I live 3.2 miles from where Sarah was taken and used to exercise frequently on Clapham Common — as do many of our MindMapper community living in London. I wish I could say that I could have brushed it off as another statistic, or just something that happens to other people, but unfortunately, it highlighted every woman’s worst fear. Sarah Everard could have quite easily been any one of us and that is quite frankly terrifying.
I moved back to London after lockdown with my family in Preston on the 6th March 2021. This was three days after Sarah had been reported as missing. I felt uneasy. I felt uncomfortable. I felt scared.
Like with many mental health fluctuations, my fear became physical. My body was tense, my stomach churned and my breathing became shorter and sharper. I have been teary and I have been anxious beyond my usual diagnosis.
I stopped leaving the house. When my housemates asked if I wanted anything from the shop, I bit their hand off because I knew it meant I didn’t have to be outside. I put a self-imposed lockdown that meant even my necessary journeys became unnecessary to me.
It was starting to get out of hand when a colleague asked how I was and I couldn’t help but confess that I was terrified. This was the first step. Her advice was this:
‘Try not to worry unduly. The vast majority of missing people, especially teenagers, end up as being missing ‘on purpose’ rather than being abducted or murdered. That’s why cases like Sarah’s get so much airtime. 353,000 reported missing, 176,000 actually missing but only 2% of them stay missing for over a week. It’s so important- especially for young women like you — to know how to keep yourselves safe — but also not let the fear adversely affect your life. The stats are important because the risks are tiny.’
I decided to look into the stats in more detail: The Crime Survey for England and Wales estimates a homicide rate about 1.1 per 100,000. Let’s compare this to Brazil, which is around 27 per 100,000*.
Balancing actual risks with fears of risks is such an important thing to be able to do. Everyone’s anxiety has been heightened over the last year and this is another thing on top of the 2020 shitshow of a year. Fact checking is essential. As is talking through your fears and putting them into perspective.
After that conversation, I felt better. I felt more confident that I wasn’t going to be abducted and murdered. However, it didn’t stop me thinking about all those ‘near misses’ of sexual harassment and sexual violence. I thought about all those times where I had to say no several times to a man who wouldn’t stop persisting for my number, a kiss or more before they eventually backed down.
I remember the times when I was catcalled on a run, where a van of men slowed down to shout some obscenities at me and my heart stopped for a few seconds as I thought I was about to be taken. I remember the times where male friends tried to cross a line and I just wanted to cry as my trust had been misplaced.
The fears and emotions are real for women. A friend of mine told me that we need to sit with our feelings and accept them. Let’s stop apologising for saying we’re angry, we’re upset and we want change. That’s valid — don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m on an anxiety journey at the moment where I am still working towards feeling safe in my own community. Here’s the steps I’ve taken so far that I’d suggest to anyone who feels like their struggling:
1) Reach out to your friends and voice your fears
I have an incredible support network that have been looking out for me at the moment. It has also helped us to put some time aside to talk about these things. I’ve started the conversation at my work place and sought support from our SLT to implement change at an institutional level.
2) Fact check, fact check, fact check!
Some stats are scary and that shows how much we need to change — but don’t add to women’s fear unnecessarily because you’ve not done your homework and checked whether the source is legit.
3) Check your sources before sharing articles on socials
Fake news won’t help anyone right now. Some stats are scary and that’s okay — but don’t add to women’s fear unnecessarily because you’ve not done your homework and checked the source is legit.
4) Ask a friend to leave the house with you if you’re struggling
Try it in the daytime first and perhaps pick somewhere like a corner shop or somewhere that you know you can be back quickly. My local Tesco was my first trip out to get some chocolate. The chocolate was my reward for making it there and back without crying.
5) Start small and take your time
This is a hard time. Don’t rush to get back out there and back to ‘normal’. I used to run 3 times a week. I went for my first run last week at 5pm. By the time I got back the sun had set and my heart was beating a hell of a lot (not just because I’m unfit — I swear). That was a HUGE step for me. I doubt I’ll be running past sunset but the nights are getting lighter and so is my anxiety — step by step.
It is during times like these that our community must come together to support one another, affirm each other’s experiences, and push forward in our efforts to prevent and respond to all forms of sexual and gender-based violence.
As we all continue processing last week’s events, I want everyone to know you are not alone, and we are in this together; as MindMappers, as Women and most importantly, as people.
Love always,
Lauren x
Join the global MindMapper community of young adults on a journey to live mentally healthier lives at home, school, work and in the world.
Sources & Helplines
https://www.missingpeople.org.uk/key-facts-about-missing
https://www.crimesurvey.co.uk/en/SurveyResults.html
The Havens: 020 3299 6900
Specialist centres in London for people who have experienced sexual violence available 24/7
Refuge: 0808 2000 247
National domestic abuse helpline available 24/7
Suzy Lamplugh Trust: 0808 802 0300
National stalking helpline available 9:30–16:00 weekdays (except Wednesdays 13:00–16:00)
Galop: Call the National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans+ Domestic Abuse Helpline (0800 999 5428)
Women’s Aid: Use their confidential chat service
Survivors UK: Access the National Male Survivors Online Helpline
Student Minds: The UK’s student mental health charity
If you ever feel in immediate danger ring 999 immediately.
