You *are* part of the problem.
I can walk down any street at any time of day and not fear for my personal safety.
I often take precautions when I am walking out and about both alone and in a group, most especially at night but I am cautious during the daytime too.
“Thanks for a good night.”
“Text me that you’re home safe.”
I wear what I want when out in public.
I deliberately think about where I’m going when deciding what to wear and often change deliberately if going to certain public places.
Remember going to get your eyes tested?
I don’t, not really. I haven’t had my eyes tested for over a year. Can’t think why.
But you know when the optician asks you ‘Is it better with number 1 or number 2?’.
That’s what these statements show.
Two sides to the same coin.
I write this piece from a privileged straight, white, cis-male experience. It’s something I feel that I often caveat my writing with and with good reason. Because despite all the empathy in the world. I don’t know what it’s like.
What it’s like to feel, live and be those bold statements that represent women’s experiences across the UK and the world. An experience that I understand only through empathy, self-report accounts and directly from women both directly in my life and hearing stories from others online.
But men, listen. We need to talk. To ourselves and to each other.
This case with Sarah Everard is not unique. And unfortunately, it won’t be the last. But it ought to be.
We need to talk about sexual assault, sexual harassment, misogyny, rape, masculinity. It’s all linked. It creates culture which drives behaviour.
UN Women UK recently revealed that 97% of 18–24-year-old women said they had been sexually harassed and 80% of women, of all ages, said they had experienced sexual harassment in public spaces. That’s the study that’s been cited the most on my social feeds over the last couple of weeks.
So, needless to say, this is an enormous problem and yet somehow, I feel like we still don’t hear about it enough.
Too many men will dismiss the behaviour of themselves, their friends and peers.
Too many men consciously or unconsciously define their masculinity dependent upon how they relate to women. Often having their masculinity shaped by the sexual objectification and dehumanisation of women.
Too many men will disengage, prevent or otherwise refuse to have constructive and engaging conversations about these clearly difficult subjects from sexual harassment to rape.
We must find ways as men of bringing other men along, of meeting each other where we are enabling conversations most don’t want to have.
So, let’s think about these issues and put the focus on men. I’m not here to sociologically deconstruct our entire culture. Others do that much better than me.
But I am an observer. It’s easy enough to tell that we focus everything on women and put the emphasis on victims rather than perpetrators of sexual assault and harassment.
In order to make any progress, we need to flip the script permanently. We need to change our collective focus and go beyond the social posting when events such as Sarah come up.
And. Do. Better.
We need to ask ourselves what accountability actually looks like and then strive to embody it day to day.
A possible starting place for us men, then…
- Acknowledge that it starts with you. Take responsibility that you are part of the problem. We need to help ourselves to own this problem because it’s ours to own.
- Start with having open conversations with friends, family and peers on their inappropriate behaviour and report serious behaviours.
- Beyond open conversations, actions matter. When inappropriate language or actions take place, call it out and treat it for what it is. Take action, don’t ignore it.
Take reasonable precautions like texting your friends when you’re out and walking in well-lit areas.
Don’t assault.
Share your negative experiences, then people will see how widespread problems like sexual harassment are.
Don’t use reductive language. Don’t be misogynistic.
Take security protections and delete inappropriate pictures you receive.
Don’t send women unsolicited pictures.
“You should take it as a compliment”…
Don’t catcall or harass online.
It goes without saying this list is meant to demonstrate the hypocrisies we have in our society related to these issues. I believe that if we focus more of the conversation around men — and we men do the work. Then we can make the progress we need to make; but this list is the bare minimum and we have to do so much better.
Take care out there,
Ryan
If you have been affected by the issues in this blog post, call NHS 111 or Samaritans 116 123.
***This blog has been written as part of an ongoing contribution to MindMapper UK — your mental health gym making mental health support easier to access for young people. — https://www.mindmapperuk.com/***
Articles used in the writing of this piece:
