Mental Health Poetry
I am not by dis[order]
A spoken word poem to highlight common experiences of those with a binge eating disorder
I am not my disorder,
disorder,
order… order…
order number one,
maybe 3 as well..
7 and 8…
make that two of each.
Yeah, that’s…
that’s not…
that’s not all for me.
What does it matter anyway?
I repeat —
I am not my weight,
I am not my weight.
So what if I ate and ate and gained myself a weight of disgrace,
my eyes wandering in a paranoid state rapidly stuffing down my plate with no time to wait —
WAIT STOP JUDGING ME.
I can see all of this clearly and —
I don’t need to be in your company feeding my anxiety.
So I’ll find comfort within these four walls and I’ll feed my pain,
simply attempting to find a way to maintain that soon enough the walls grow their own eyes and I am unable to isolate,
I have no privacy,
it’s impossible to tear these judgements off of me and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry to you…
I’m sorry to myself…
I’m sorry to my reflection.
I’m sorry to the lack of self affection, to self rejection and I’m sorry I–
Okay, I…
I pushed you away and it was all in vain,
all of my impulses I’m desperate to contain,
I’m in chains, I’m constrained, I didn’t want you to see me this way.
Spinning in circles in the dark,
migraines have made their bed in my brain,
while my body expresses stress,
And any attempt to suppress my oppression to food,
has left me in a state of depression & solitude,
yet I know of no comfort to put my shame to rest,
but further consumption to drown out the disgust and distress,
I’m reaching out to you now,
I am trying my best.
I am not my disorder,
disorder,
disorder
