“You mean to say that you’re not going to be drinking tonight?” she asked, followed by a facial expression of clear discontent. “No, not tonight–never again,” I replied humorlessly.
The final deliberations within our lustful (and dying) relationship were not uncommon and, serving no benefit to the image of our romance, acted as a pressing indicator of some underlying issue that had yet to be revealed. As an illustration, let’s qualify my relationship issues as invisible ink and Carol Dweck’s book, “Mindsets: The New Psychology of Success,” as the method of revealing that ink. You understand how invisible ink works, right? You need more than just the ink; you need a way to make the ink visible. By giving me a clear understanding of the fixed and growth mindsets, as well as their implications in my relationship, Dweck’s book inspired me to break up with my girlfriend.
Dweck is surely right about the fact that mindsets can and must be changed because my experience with the repercussions of the fixed mindset confirms it. Yet is it always the case that the prosperity of an intimate relationship requires a graduation to the growth mindset? I’ve always believed that this was not the case but, after reading and integrating Dweck’s text, I can certainly say that this sentiment is correct. Dweck’s insight crystallizes flaws in the common view of how relationships are supposed to function while also holding significance for all people in intimate relationships.
Dweck maintains the idea that the two unique views that people adopt for themselves–the fixed and growth mindset–have an equally profound way of affecting the trajectory of one’s life, the latter of which being a necessary adoption by any individual.
In Chapter two, Dweck describes an individual with the fixed mindset who, in believing that his/her qualities are carved in stone, creates an urgency to prove his/herself time and time again. Conversely, Dweck states that the growth mindset is “based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others,” which is the essence of her text: although individuals may differ, we can and should find common ground in the growth mindset.
Interestingly enough, Dweck’s mindsets have a foothold in the course of love as well as in relationships as a whole. In Chapter 6 of her text, Dweck illustrates the standard view and how it fails to address the dimension which mindsets add in relationships, stating that “as a society, we don’t understand relationship skills…” By not understanding that the mindsets are an integral part in the course of love, we effectively disable ourselves from being able to graduate from fixed to growth mindset and, consequently, default to a fixed mindset without even realizing it. In this mindset, “the ideal [relationship] is instant, perfect, and perpetual compatibility. Like it was meant to be.”
There are two problematic beliefs that arise out of the fixed mindset:
- Putting effort into the relationship devalues the originality of that relationship
- Problems indicate character flaws
Falling into the jaws of the effort–believing that you should be able to read each other’s minds, agree on everything, and share each other’s views–leads to an infinite overload of problems accompanied by notion “that problems are a sign of deep-seated flaws.” This is a problem; with the fixed mindset’s lack of usefulness in healing the wounds of rejection, a relationship will become extremely vulnerable in nature. Describing this vulnerability, Dweck complicates things further when she writes, “with the fixed mindset, one moment your partner is the light of your life… [and] the next they’re your adversary.” Unfortunately, Dweck’s insight into the nuances of the fixed mindset in relationships ring true with my personal experience.
Believing that an intimate relationship with an attractive female would boost my confidence, social status, and even my overall quality of life, I set out to find a girlfriend as quickly as possible.
“Love is situational and strategized,” I told myself.
After all, couldn’t I set the conditions just right and easily foster the relationship dynamic I desired? Is this even realistic?
“Hi, my name is ____ and I like X and Y,” I said as I introduced myself to my soon-to-be girlfriend although, in my head, I was thinking that I truly like A and B, not X and Y.
Fast forward to our fourth date, both of us now committed to our relationship; the lust flourished from the get-go but, for me, the true nature of the relationship became an afterthought. I masked much of my true personality with a fictional ego and, as a result, my partner became less connected to me and more connected to the person I presented myself as.
In the wake of the initial fireworks of our attraction remained a drought of substance or truth to our so-called “connection.”
From her perspective, it would have seemed that me, her loving boyfriend, began expressing clear disinterest in the usual activities of our relationship: watching movies together, staying out late without care for a proper bedtime, or drinking & partying. Did I think that the ever-increasing disconnect in our relationship was because of me? Of course not. I blamed it on my partner.
You may be thinking, okay (thanks for the relationship update), but what does this have to do with mindsets? When I read Dweck’s book, I had an epiphany–these actions were all direct illustrations of a fixed mindset functioning in full capacity.
In not understanding relationship skills as a whole or, even more importantly, the implications of mindsets in a relationship, I defaulted to the fixed mindset. You might think that my adoption of the fixed mindset would have both strengthened my alter-ego in the relationship and rendered it effective in accomplishing its purpose, but this was not the case. In direct correlation with Dweck’s ideology, the fixed mindset led me towards the affirmation that my qualities were carved in stone and, although not true to myself, would need to be proved time and time again in order to fuel our partnership with one another. Fortunately, there was a sort of personal transcendence beyond the fixed mindset that occurred after I read and then integrated Dweck’s ideology. As the anecdote towards my illness that was the fixed mindset, Dweck’s book led me to believe that the basic qualities of my alter-ego could be disregarded; I began to understand that the basic qualities of my true self could be cultivated through specific efforts and strategies.
Strategies, you say? I’m very familiar with strategies, I thought to myself with a newfound curiosity.
Hadn’t I employed a specific strategy to build a relationship with my girlfriend? Yes, but now I was equipped with a new mindset to guide me in the strategizing process: the growth mindset. In the final conversations of our relationship, I disagreed with the so-called desires of my alter-ego by visibly presenting a different self than my girlfriend was accustomed to. Through this vague and indirect revealment of self, my girlfriend’s perception of me fell apart.
It was nearly impossible for her to sort out the complexity of the situation at hand or, for lack of better phrasing, know which version of me to believe; after all, there were two.
Explaining my ascension from the fixed mindset, I revealed the path of lies that I had been paving while re-tiling that path in a new direction towards relationship destruction. As a response to my change of mindset, she did not beg for answers nor inquire into my wrongdoings. In my girlfriend’s eyes, the relationship was meant to be and, since it was realized not to be completely perfect, was now irreparable. Although the growth mindset holds it that people believe that their partner’s qualities can be developed, I lament; there was nothing I could to evoke a change of mindset on her behalf.
In seeing her seclusion into the fixed mindset and understanding the destructive nature of the irrevocable lies I had consistently poured into her psyche, I took the executive decision to swiftly end the relationship.
Unfortunately, in my rejection of her unwillingness to accept my change of mindset, my girlfriend felt judged and labeled.
Similarly, one of Dweck’s points is that “rejection wounds and inflames people with the fixed mindset.” It could be said that, because I was “the light of her life” and suddenly “[her] adversary,” my now ex-girlfriend defaulted to the fixed mindset to deal with the rejection; Dweck illustrates this idea in her chapter on relationships.
In conclusion, then, as I suggested earlier, defenders of the claim that the growth mindset is not a necessary adoption of any individual can’t have it both ways. Their assertion that the fixed mindset can and should be utilized is contradicted by their claim that the growth mindset is an inefficient way to going about relationships; my synthesis of personal experience with Dweck’s illustrations of the pitfalls of the fixed mindset goes to show that the implications of neglecting a graduation of mindsets are both grand and terrifying.
If I had abandoned the potential of the growth mindset, where would my ex-girlfriend and I be now? Admittedly, it is beyond my ability to fathom the specific consequences of this abandonment, but I am confident that you can see that the extent of these consequences would span beyond the potential of simple remedy.
I can see myself with the fixed mindset, lying and loving.
Although Dweck’s indirect relationship advice may seem of concern to only a small group of individuals seeking relationship counseling, it should in fact concern anyone who cares about building genuine and maintainable relationships with their significant other. If we are right about the downsides of the fixed mindset, then major consequences follow for those who do not take it in their best interest to adopt the growth mindset. Ultimately, what is at stake here is the potential for flourishing of love itself. Luckily, we all have the potential to reap the rewards of the growth mindset’s convenient advantages and it is entirely necessary that we do just that.
