How Turning Towards Loved Ones Transformed My Relationships
Haleema arrives home from work one evening. She lets out an exasperated sigh. Her partner, Abe, hears this. In psychology, these communicative details are called emotional bids. The Gottman Institute calls them requests for connection. Abe has an option to “turn towards” his partner by asking what’s wrong. He might “turn away” by ignoring her sigh. Perhaps he feels annoyed that she’s come home and isn’t in a good mood. Whatever Abe chooses to do, relationship psychologists demonstrate that these micro-moments count.
The Gottman Institute, based on research from over 40,000 couples, found a key difference between thriving relationships and others. When their partners and loved ones showed a bid for connection, it was met with compassion, curiosity and attentiveness. Thriving relationships showed compassion 86% of the time, with other relationships showing 33% of the time. It turns out that turning towards loved ones builds trust and connection.
Since encountering these findings, I’ve been noticing micro-bids for connection around me. I see it when my Mom knocks on my door to have a conversation after a tough day. I notice it when a friend turns towards me and smiles, when a co-worker shares a joke with me, or when my brother shares that they didn’t sleep well last night.
More than that, psychological research also shows that we’re more less likely to be active listeners when chatting with close friends and family members. Supposedly, we tend to assume that we already know what they’ll share when we ask them a question. That seems a bit counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? But it’s also a great reminder to consciously make a habit out of being present and attentive in our everyday conversations. These findings are applicable to all types of relationships; familial, friendly or romantic. When we pay attention, we are radiating the message, “I care about you and I’m listening to you”.
When we pay attention, we are radiating the message, “I care about you and I’m listening to you”.
No connection will always be seamlessly perfect. But when we set an intention to become more responsive and compassionate, our connections deepen and our sense of satisfaction is heightened. Find out more about relationship connections from the Gottman Institute here.
