The Invisible Man
Dear Readers,
I have recently come to a realisation on a prominent power that has unconsciously driven most my decisions to date: the internalised male gaze.
The male gaze is the act of depicting woman as nothing more than an object of desire for men, in which women must strive to become that pinnacle of desire. Its that voice inside your head wondering what men will think about every little action, everything you say or wear.
The general ideal woman has been soft spoken, easily talked over by others (mainly men), in perfect shape, has a higher pitched voice and undergoes rigorous grooming (infantilising women much?).
I have thus been ashamed of my body hair, of my lower pitched voice, of my outspoken attitude and willingness to answer questions, as all the above points away from what a perfect woman is.
Women are taught to search for validation and fulfilment through the male gaze. This has been instilled through media depicting most women we can look up to through a mostly heterosexual male lens (overly sexualised female superheroes, princesses, even animated female animals…). Women in media often times have underdeveloped personalities, playing roles that simply forward the male protagonist’s story. Who asks objects for opinions? And as women are so objectified it is so easy to neglect what they have to say.
These issues are further worsened through the attention school (and homes) put on the female anatomy, always taking care women ‘don’t distract the boys’, are poised, calm, and don’t get in the way.
And thus, all we have seen and heard gets internalised. Women put other women down, not because their looks or actions affect them, but because they step out of line, away from the ‘perfect women’. We judge, but truly we are judging ourselves. We feel shame over ourselves. We truly fear we cannot be loved in our purest form, that we must fit a mould to be accepted.
Men similarly judge women. But even more amusing is the fact that men judge other men through this lens too. Many heterosexual men do not prioritise qualities that woman find attractive (being a good listener, in tune with your emotions...) but rather qualities that other men find attractive (physical strength, loudness...).
Freeing myself from this performance I put on for the ‘invisible male figure’ boarding my mind, from my judgement of others and myself, has been the first step on my journey to heal. I no longer diet with men’s eyes as my watcher, but rather workout for my own strength and satisfaction. I no longer voice my opinions for men’s recognition, but rather my own validation. I no longer put women down for ‘dressing inappropriately’ or see them as rivals for mens’ attention, but rather ask ‘are they kind? considerate? fun? …’ and thus free myself from the pain of always existing for others. Performing for others. Wearing a mask to make others feel comfortable.
It is now my own validation that counts. I now hope to achieve things that truly fulfil me, rather than be distracted by the need to please invisible men.
The first step is awareness, so I hope these words have opened your eyes and subconscious to what truly drives you.
