Anybody But ________: Lesser Known Presidential Candidates For 2016
We are once again amidst campaign season and the mood among the American public is of the typical “meh” variety. Sure we had a little excitement from the unexpectedly strong showing of Bernie Sanders among the bearded, the young and the angry. But now that it looks like Bernie is yelling into the wind, we find ourselves having to choose between possibly the two least trustworthy people in recent history.
It’s a virtual Twitter war as the #anybodybutTrump folks fight against the #anybodybutHillary pushers. It looks as though once again we have to choose from the least-worst candidate.
People complain that there’s no good choice this time around (as if it’s been any different the other years). But the truth is that we have plenty of choice. Sure, I’m talking about Green Party candidate Jill Stein and Libertarian torch-waver Gary Johnson, as both look more trustworthy and less insane than our mainstream candidates. But that’s not all…
It’s been reported that there were more protest candidates in 2016 than in any past year. This is a sign that either we’re getting tired of our rigged political system or there’s lots of unemployed people that have too much time on their hands. Both are bad signs.
But there exists an alternate universe, where candidates sprout like dandelions, ready to spray their seeds of democracy all over the public’s belly button if the media would actually cover them. And so, I think we are just the publication to take on the mission.
Here, for your enjoyment (and puzzlement) are some lesser known candidates for president in 2016. Vote wisely!
Vermin Supreme- Free Ponies!
A perennial favorite among the protest crowd, Supreme is the fella you may have seen wearing a boot atop his head while carrying a giant tooth brush (to bring awareness his mandate to require brushing of all American teeth).
Vermin originally hails from Rockport, Massachusetts, a place known for lobstaaas and ocean-front mansions inhabited only 5 weeks out of the year. Perhaps coming from this wealth inequality launched Vermin’s goal of abolishing government completely as part of his anarchist worldview. Oddly enough, his platform of absolute zero control of government would appear to be the fringe right’s wet dream. Maybe we can get some of the Trump folks on the Supreme Team.
As opposed to the other candidates on this list, Supreme seems to be in on the joke and is trying to make a statement about the public’s lack of faith in government. With trust levels of government at an all-time low, this could be the year of the Vermin.
Events of Note:
- Actually got on the primary ballot in New Hampshire for the 2012 and 2016 race (that could ONLY happen in New Hampshire)
- Was banned from the Lesser Known Democratic Candidates Forum (yes, this exists) for glitter-bombing abortion activist/terrorist Randall Terry
- In 2012, promised every citizen a pony if he were elected (it beats lower taxes)
Vermin Supreme’s official site (PLEASE don’t click any of the links while at work!!!)
Limberbutt McCubbins- The First Candidate Since James Polk To Use A Litter Box
Nowhere in the constitution does it state that you need to be a human in order to run for president. Plus, in cat years, Limberbutt meets the 35 year-old threshold. Hell, he was even born here, which makes him more qualified than Ted Cruz.
Limberbutt McCubbins is running as a democrat, the only candidate more catty than Hillary Clinton. Some of the best aspects of his candidacy involve legalizing catnip and restarting the space program, this time with cats joining humans in space, a much better use of money than building a border wall, I must say.
Plus, who doesn’t want to see an adorable gay cat wedding?
Samm Tittle- Your Friend’s Mother Who Complains About Illegals And Makes You Uncomfortable
I swear I’ve met Samm Tittle a number of times. She’s certainly nice, offers you cookies, asks about your mother. But every once in a while, you get her going about politics, then it becomes a squirm-filled 5 minutes that seems like 5 years as she goes off on the Mexicans and the blacks and any other type of colored person whom she’s never met outside her suburban fortress.
Weirdly enough, Tittle is the one candidate on this list that has the potential to catch on. Her views aren’t too far outside the Republican mainstream and adheres like a cardigan sweater to the fringe right (who are slowly becoming the mainstream).
Tittle is extremely fond of the phrase “We the people,” repeating the phrase so many times on her website that I began to think she was trying to brainwash me.
While Tittle is conventional looking in the mom variety, she somehow managed to post the two most unappealing photos of herself, with one looking like she just mainlined Jolt Cola, the other looking like a devastating battle with the Hershey Squirts.
Even with enough text to ensure an epileptic seizure, her site doesn’t give a clear view of where she stands, other than “We The People” who, in my experience, are a group who loves The Bachelor and doing the Ne-Ne. Maybe not the most qualified to rely on when running a country, constitution be damned.
Pogo Mochello Allen Reese- Oranges and Lap Dances For Everyone!
In the beginning, Pogo Mochello Allen Reese simply wanted the job of San Antonio’s Mayor. Not content with simply being Mayor Reese, he now is officially on the ballot as a Republican presidential contender.
At first, Pogo’s past credentials sound pretty damn American. He’s an army veteran (check), he wants to focus on jobs (check) and he summoned his inner Donald Trump by calling his opponent “Sasquatch” (check)
Now the other side is that Pogo is a former stripper whose plan to create jobs involves attracting Oprah Winfrey to relocate her company to San Antonio. He also apparently wants to put 8-time Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman in charge of reducing crime (presumably by putting criminals in crushing head locks). Another signature of his platform involves planting orange trees along highways. Why? In case there’s an accident, there will be plenty to eat of course.
See Pogo’s campaign promises for yourself. To be honest, he seems like an absolutely delightful guy.
Oh and for you right-wing folks, according to Pogo’s LinkedIn page, he also wants to overturn Roe V. Wade and reinstate the Gold Standard, so there you go.
Jim Hedges- That Lame Friend Who Makes You Leave The Party Early
Bernie was often criticized for being a one-issue candidate, with most of his gripes aimed at the influence of money in politics and the corruption of our political system. But Jim Hedges makes Bernie look like an ADD-addled teenager in terms of focus.
What’s Hedges’ issue? Prohibition. That’s right, the same prohibition we tried in 1920, which ended in the reign of both the Mafia and the Kennedy clan, for better or worse. Hedges really, really, really hates drinking. Definitely not a guy to party with (as opposed to, say, Ted Cruz, who seems like he’d be a blast).
Judging by his views, Hedges probably wouldn’t allow boy/girl dancing, sassin’ or smiling.
I scoured Hedges web site, trying to get a handle on where he leans on the big issues, but didn’t find much. Gun control? Nothing. Job creation? Nothing. Political funding? Nada.
But he has a lot to say about the negative effects of alcohol (along with drugs and tobacco). The only active link concerned “education” so I clicked, thinking this would have something to do with changing our education system. Rather, it contained a screed, condemning the party atmosphere on today’s college campuses. Um, yeah Jim, that’s WHY most of us want to go to college.
I respect his passion, but running on an anti-alcohol ticket in America is like running on an anti-Hasselhoff ticket in Germany. Not going to happen.
David Jon Speinham- This Guy Desperately Needs A Media Consultant
As they say, it’s all in the presentation. Sure, Trump’s ideas would seem stupid coming from your Uncle Steve, but the Donald knows how to sell it. David Jon Sponheim, however, does not.
According to his website, David Jon Sponheim has a fairly straightforward left-leaning platform: end wars, stop funding of too-big-to-fail banks. This mixed with some favorite ideas from the right: establishing control of border, lessening federal control over education.
These would seem great if Sponheim had the faintest notion of how to not make himself look like a lunatic via mass media. Check out his web site and try not to have a seizure. His face looks as if he and the text are about to escape from the screen and join you in your living room. Add to this the awkward, seemingly around-the-clock live Q&A sessions in front of star-lit galaxy for some reason. This accompanied by a brain-fuck full of text, pictures, gifs and anything else that will have you crying for your mother in confusion.
The one upside? The live broadcast features user comments that continually scroll below the video chat. These are mainly full of odd jokes, put downs and weird “Make Money At Home!” advertisements that read like a William S. Burroughs novel.
And then there’s this:
I will say that he does a decent Obama impression, but black-face in 2016? Even Trump would walk that one back.
Robert W. Milnes- Promises To Stop FBI From Watching You Masterbate
Robert Milnes is perhaps my favorite of the bunch. A frequent contributor to time-travel blogs (and boy did this send me on an internet wormhole), Milne definitely has an axe to grind with Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson.
On Milne’s official candidate page, he devotes virtually every post to blasting Johnson as a traitor and the Libertarian party as a rigged enterprise. Who controls the Libertarian party? The Zog, of course, of whom Milne mentions quite a bit, but never really goes into detail about. At first I thought this might be a reference to the Superman villain before remembering that it’s General Zod. Looking it up, I found that ZOG stands for Zionist Organized Government. So there you go.
My favorite bit about Milne is his claim that the FBI is monitoring us through our televisions, a claim I would love to hear in a presidential debate (and wouldn’t be surprised at this point).
How did Milne seek to prove his FBI theory? Let me give it to you in his own words because I can’t compete with this stuff:
“I have assumed for years that I am under FBI/HSD surveillance. Last year I thought up a scheme to test this theory, as well as get some sexual titillation.
“Since they were able to observe me masturbating, certainly via audio surveillance, but also via infrared/radio waves, they would know where and when. If I masturbated in front of my TV regularly, they would be able to determine a pattern in time.
“I decided to pick a news anchorwoman or reporter much along the lines of my previous experience with the FBI and Deborah Knapp. I picked Norah O’Donnell, who was at that time a regularly scheduled anchor live at 3 p.m. weekdays on MSNBC. I could observe her reactions live, mostly Freudian slips which I could interpret.”
I wish my “research” was that fun.
David “Da Vid” Raphael- That Guy Dancing By Himself At Bonnaroo
Da Vid represents the Light Party, presumably a party of his creation, that results in the candidate often being confused as a rave organizer.
Raphael’s website is littered with cheesy psychedelic art that belongs on a teenager’s bedroom walls and looks as though it were an Angelfire site set up in 1997. There is more text on the home page than Infinite Jest and it’s just as difficult to read, with little in terms of headings, separation marks or consistent fonts.
His platform is everything you would expect from someone representing the Light Party. Global consciousness, lots of talk of ‘waking up’ and that type of thing. Perhaps his real goal is to have the entire country ingest LSD at the same time because that would soooo out there.
Here’s his campaign video, which will give you absolutely zero additional information in terms of his goals, but does supply some jaunty classical music:
Honestly, I’m cool with this guy as long as he stops trying to make me feel bad about eating meat.
Princess Khadija Jacob-Fambro- Seeking To End Police Brutality…And Marry Lil Wayne
We certainly love Princesses in America. How else could you explain the mass cult-like devotion to Frozen? So maybe it is the right time for a Princess to be president. Which makes me think, would we refer to her as “Princess President” or “President Princess”? Oh we live in interesting times!
Fambro is straight up about her intentions. She is running on a platform to erase police brutality, a real problem over the past couple of years. How will she stop it? By assuming that everyone on the street is an undercover cop and harassing them on camera. Take a look:
Yeah right, Fergus, the Princess has got your number. And I think she may have gained a running mate at the 3 minute mark.
Oh but the Princess isn’t simply a one-issue candidate (like that snooze Jim Hedges). Oh no, she has an ulterior motive. Take a look at her FEC filings to be on the ballot for president (focus about 3/4 down the page):
Maybe if she would have told Fergus that she was God, he would have been more trusting.
Piotr Blass- The Candidate Most Likely To Run A Pyramid Scheme
I saved the most head scratching candidate for last. Blass claims to have done everything minus killing Osama Bin Laden, which may come at a later date.
He claims to have helped invent the internet (NOT Al Gore, as he eloquently states). This claim prompted this amazing comment from the Talk section on the wiki page for the internet: “This guy in his vanity article claims to have co-invented WWW. Please somebody disuade (sic) him.”
He also claims to be a survivor of the Holocaust and a WWII combat hero, difficult to believe when he was born in 1948 (unless he was a really courageous baby)
More importantly, Blass admits to being born in Poland and doesn’t see a problem with this. I guess we’ll have to amend the constitution for this guy or else Donald Trump will have a field day.
Most troubling for Blass is an article linking the candidate to the death of a 27-year old girl, whom police found with a cocktail of drugs in her system. The article also references multiple run-ins with police, including fraud and possession of a firearm. At least for that last one, he can appeal to the 2nd amendment people. For the others, maybe he’ll find a supporter in Bill Cosby’s camp. In the article, Blass makes the statement that “I’m not a great manager, but I think I could make a great Senator.”
Honest, edgy, incompetent. Vote Piotr Blass…if you’re able to spell it correctly.
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