At Last: The Return of Mindwafers
Greetings Ladies and Germs,
It’s your favorite corporate baron, defender of freedom and deliverer of semi-trivial news, H.M.Mindwafer. You may remember me from such game changing articles like Top 10 Clues You May Need An Oatmeal Bath, Guess What? You’re Pregnant and, of course, the Why People Suck series, winner of various media awards, including the 2013 Deep Webby for Worst Use of Time.
As we see our world continually change and twirl in the turmoil of our embattled political system, I felt it was perfect time to return to the big show. A respected journalistic entity like Mindwafers can help sow the seeds of change that can help make America Grate Again!
As you’ve noticed, our home base is no longer featured at Mindwafers.com, although the site will be up soon to provide you with various swag that you can throw at your nieces and nephews to make them think you care.
We moved to Medium for a number of reasons, first being that Medium has proven to be a highly influential outlet for provocative writers to connect with those that want a good story, or at least need something to read on the crapper during that lunch break.
But the more important reason for switching to Medium is that it’s free. As you may know, our corporation leveraged our cash way above sustainable levels. I knew deep down that purchasing sixteen Clydesdales from Budweiser wasn’t the most economical decision, but damn if they aren’t beautiful. We of course had to sell the horses to a local circus in order to pay for our other various corporate debts. These included installing a golden bidet in my private bathroom to account for my well known need of anal precision. Also, I may have done without the diamond encrusted face pendant, worn during Mindwafers meetings as a gesture of stature. But my better mind knows that this worked to keep workers from rebelling and demanding silly things like pay or benefits.
Also we won’t have to mess with those pesky web design problems since we found that no employee of Mindwafers possesses any actual web design skill or know-how. Frequently our page was hacked by uber-enemy Rod Pilf, who will heretofore be referred to as Black Rod because
— what? No that’s not a racial thing, Pilf is whi — forget it, I’ll just call him Rod Pilf.
In addition to relaunching Mindwafers, I am offering a sizable bounty for Rod Pilf’s head. No, you won’t receive money nor praises from me, but rather a spot to write for Mindwafers. True, it’s not paid, nor does it provide benefits, but you will be on the ground floor of a revolutionary enterprise. Plus you can add the work to your resume/portfolio(for a small fee), which will then be ignored or outright dismissed by hiring managers. But that’s the cost of revolution: Exile from society.
I urge you to contact me if you would like to contribute to perhaps one of the most important publication ventures since the first manifesto of Tucker Max.
We promise to provide you with quality, deep investigations of social events, written by some of the most exciting writers in the country. Either that, or we’ll give you some decent dick jokes written by unemployed actors. Either way, I think you’ll enjoy it…or else.
Intrigued? Give us a follow and see where this goes
With Solidarity
H.M.Mindwafer
mr.mindwafer@gmail.com
Corporate Trust Center
1209 N. Ocean St.
Wilmington, DE 19801
