The New Media Battlefield

“Someday, Seth Meyers will play me in a biopic,” said Thiel.

By Noah Goldberg-Mindwafers Correspondent

The internet is hemorrhaging of news involving billionaire Peter Thiel’s battle with Gawker Media, with online trolls accusing Thiel of controlling free speech. As a fervent devotee of free speech, but an even bigger devotee of unfettered capitalism, it’s time I stuck my neck out for Thiel.

It was revealed that the lawsuit against Gawker by Hulk Hogan was largely underwritten by Thiel. The investor grew to despise Gawker after the publication outed Thiel as being gay. Thiel chose Hulk Hogan’s case as his Alamo because, it’s Hulk Hogan! If the Hulkster taught us anything, it’s how to be a good American, which means controlling journalism with Brinks trucks full of cash.

Commentators are incensed that Thiel was able to bring fear to the journalism world. Now, media outlets say, they will be afraid of litigation every time they post a story, therefore creating a chilling effect on free speech. A decent argument, I have to say, one worthy of maybe Andre the Giant. Yet as we all know from Wrestlemania III, you don’t mess with Hulk Nation.

For Hulk Hogan and Thiel possess their own, more powerful form of free speech than Gawker and their cronies.

As defined by the Citizen’s United Supreme Court battle, money is considered free speech, which I’ve been saying ever since I spoke my first word, which was actually a bundle of 20s thrown at my parents in return for a bowl of ground up peas.

By logical inference, we can conclude that, since Thiel and Hogan have more money than Gawker, they also possess higher amounts of free speech.

Disagree? Talk to the Supreme Court (but get in line behind the trans folks and the Obamacare haters!)

I’m tired of my 1st Amendment cash rights taken away by an increasingly despotic US government. The monied are treated like filth, thrown to the wolves of over-taxation, Sanders socialism, clawbacks and the threat of commercial jet travel. It’s time to stop this and I’m just the man to exercise my right to free speech.

First off, let’s redefine the phrase “free speech.” Nothing in life is free, as my father told me as he sold me my first bottle of Gerber formula (I talked him down to a half-price child discount). The last thing we want is folks rushing the gates for free things such as healthcare, religion or speech. This breeds a sense of dependency that will never allow these folks to prosper. They will never know a life of luxury like, say, dropping a cool million for the only copy of Toto’s abandoned final album (my latest exercise in free speech-so worth it!).

I propose the phrase be changed to “luxurious speech” to reflect the new dynamic. Now, people won’t take their speech for granted, helping them recognize that they have to work for that free, er, luxurious speech.

Think about how much less terrible folk music would be created had my rule been enforced in the 60s

Let’s look at a comparison between free and luxurious speech. Raising a silly sign at a pointless protest rally: Free speech. Have at it, enjoy yourself.

Luxurious speech involves the important aspects of life, such as lobbying, making campaign contributions and creating astro-turf campaigns to demonize public health organizations.

Now which of the two rights would you rather exercise?

Trump has earned the right to shoot off whatever bullshit he wants, so deal with it

But an idea is simply an idea without action

But an idea is simply an idea without action. I plan to use my luxurious speech to influence my own qualms within the media system. Here’s a few of my opening lawsuits that serve as the bugle in my battle for free speech:

• Time Magazine- In 2011, the magazine published a scathing review of Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill. I seethed at the profane treatment of Sandler, clearly the Buster Keaton of our generation. Get ready for a bad Time!
• Huffington Post- While the entire publication is garbage, I was particularly struck by a portrait of David and Charles Koch, in which the billionaire bros were referred to as “sullen.” Arianna Huffington will feel quite sullen when she’s hit with a multi-million dollar litigation extravaganza.
• New York Times- This will be my Gettysburg, as pretty much anything printed in this pit of filth deserves its own lawsuit.

Through these opening salvos, luxurious speech defenders will join my cause and put an end to this stifling of our rights as the ultra-wealthy.