Dear Insecurities,
The Undesirable Constant
How do you do it? How do you remain in one’s life despite the relentless futile efforts that one makes to eradicate you out of their life? How do you stand by one every single time when they’ll rather have anyone but you? How can you be so persistent, so resilient, when you’re so unwanted and when you’re so painful? How do you resurrect yourself from the darkest of places when it was thought that you were gone for good?
How do you always stay and others don’t?
You come in all forms and colors. In all ages and all relationships. In childhood, you accompanied the many assertions of bullies and the disappointments from your well-wishers. At teenage, you held the mockeries close to your heart and made one feel isolated and dejected.
As people grow, so do you but in implicit, intractable, and unpredictable manners. Your iridescence is beyond anyone’s calibre to comprehend. With time, you grow beautiful on the outside and sinister on the inside. You bend ways and alter hues as the white light does on passing through a sharp prism. At one time, you look serene like the boundless sea, and at another, you engulf in your gigantic waves.
You appear like you’re the solution, yet all you do is raise questions. Questions about oneself, about one’s capability as a person, as a human. Questions about what is deserved and what is granted. About worthiness and inadequacy. You do it all so skilfully that it seems only you stay and others — people and parables, leave. You do it, so it appears that you are magnanimous, and hence you’re the antidote to all misery.
And yet you’re not.
You’re not magnanimous because you push people to unbearable scenarios and conclusions. Down the spiral of endless thoughts, you make one believe that thinking the worst is the best option of all. You make one believe that there are no more chances and choices. That there is nothing that one can do to remedy the damage, the grief, and the unacceptance.
Perhaps, you do this because you’re lonely. Because you want to hold onto a partner, and thus you need to shroud every last ray of hope and light. Because you can’t exist when sunshine and benevolence thrive. Benevolence to oneself and the journey of thorny paths that were tolerated before. Perhaps, you’re not the destination, but just an undesirable constant that reminds oneself of shortcomings in magnified forms and makes one lament over insignificant and inconclusive events.
Maybe you’re good, and maybe you aren’t. Good in the sense that whoever overcomes you becomes stronger. But you and I both know that there’s a catch here. You have the capability to evolve and turn up when you’re least expected. One would think that you’ve left and that you’re taken care of, that one has learned how to deal with the unanticipated trajectories of life. However they may be. But one unpleasant event, and there you are! You emerge all victorious, making one think again. Making one go down the spiral again. Making one lament again. Making one feel unworthy again.
One can guess that life is filled with innumerable battles between you and happiness. Between you and many other joyful feelings. It’s a battle of resilience and patience. Of resistance and persistence. Of support and kindness. One needs to decide whether kindness has to be bestowed upon oneself or on you. The only worry is that one forgets to support oneself, and that’s when you swoop in. Discreetly and smoothly, as if you never left. As if you were the answer after all.
And yet you’re not. And you never will be.
But how do you do it? How do you always stay and others don’t?
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