Dear Late-in-the-Night Thoughts,
It’s time we confront each other.
Ok, so, why? Why do you exist at ungodly hours? Where am I supposed to find another human soul to express and share? And suppose I fail to find, which is most often the case, what am I supposed to do with you? I don’t know. Yes. That’s how I feel about you every night. I don’t know what to do with you.
Sometimes, you take the form of sinister self-deprecating ramblings. You go on and on about how I could have done better at various stages of my life. How could I have not conveyed perceptions at unwanted times, and how could I have uttered the least of words at wanted events. You don’t shy away from creatively generating awful instances where I fail spectacularly or am a victim of all sorts. You don’t stop until I shed a few tears and reprimand myself for crying.
Some other times, you wander like a nomad finding peace nowhere. You walk lightly into desired pathways and deeply into unknown territories where the probability of return is as good as getting a last-minute online tatkal ticket. You confuse me, sadden me, and make me mull over the past, present, and future. Your meanderings are boundless, at times exciting, but also eternally time-consuming. You combat sleep and mindfulness, and that is something uncompromisable.
And on some delightful nights, in the form of feelings, you gush. You gush incessantly and heartily. You want to be grateful to dear ones at twelve, one, two, and three AM. You reminisce the support, the love, and the care. You turn poetic and want to quote the cheesiest lines from poems you don’t know because you are not that good at literature. You want to call someone up and appreciate their presence in my life. You want to walk over and wake someone up and give them a big teddy bear hug for the constant protection and care, despite my consistent portrayal of independence and reliance. Why do you want to obliterate my independent image in front of my closed ones?
But listen, why don’t you do this in broad daylight? When people are around, as the rays of sunshine are. Wouldn’t it be better if we say thank you when they are wide awake? Where do you sneak off to at that point? Why do you want to creep people out in the middle of the night? Do you realise how hard it is to stop myself from disturbing others when they’re sauntering in dreamlands?
You, see? I don’t hate you much, but you make my nights challenging. So, in future, be a little kind to me and do not pop up while all I want to do is sleep. I admit that you are insightful, compassionate, and humble, but let’s try to schedule your gushing at acceptable and sane hours. OK? Goodnight!