It’s Okay to Cry in Screwfix: A Glimpse Inside my Head

A stream of consciousness about anxiety

I also recorded this monologue for an Anxiety Interlude on the MoC Podcast

This isn’t a very polished piece — it’s really a stream of consciousness I just wrote without much thought for editing and making it logical and beautiful. Maybe that is quite apt, as what goes on inside my head often isn’t logical or beautiful (at least in the generally perceived interpretations of these concepts!)

It felt important for me to publish it as a way of showing the bottom of the iceberg — the bits of life that require the real leg work — as an antidote to all the ‘tip of the iceberg’ moments we see all the time on social media:

I woke up this morning and immediately new that it didn’t feel right. That low hum, tight chested feeling of anxiety lurking beneath the surface.

I went for my morning run with the dog to clear my head.

15 minutes of meditation.

These daily routines I’ve been building up, specifically for times like these, only seem like an anxiety delay mechanism this morning.

They are not going to clear the way.

My mind springs to the classic fail safe way of making my anxiety worse.

Lists.

Listing things that I need to do in my head. A method that invariably makes my head fill itself to capacity and become more and more chaotic.

But even though I know it is not what I need it still all too often becomes my go to reaction.

  • Cancel insurance
  • Buy electric parts from Screwfix
  • Go for coffee (brain side note: decaf of course to help with your anxiety)
  • Unpack and tidy your things
  • Build shelves for van
  • Design flyer for event
  • Reply to those emails you’ve been ignoring
  • Sort out invoices
  • File your tax returns
  • Decide what you are doing with your life
  • etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc dsnkflskjd;kd;fkjffeoppf;kkclsa

Okay. I’ll buy the electric parts for the van. That will make me feel less anxious.

For sure.

Jump in car.

Drive to Screwfix.

Let’s look at the list of things I’ve been told to buy. I don’t know what they are, but I’m sure someone that works there will.

“What’s an isolator?”

“I don’t know what an isolator is. I was hoping you’d know”

“Is this it?”

“I don’t think that’s what I want… that is for gas pipes… I’ll leave it for now”

“What dimension ring terminals do you want?”

“Ummm, what are the options?”

“4mm, 5mm, 6mm, do you want red or blue?”

“Ummm”

“Those are spades?”

“You said you wanted a spade”

“No spade connectors, male and female”

“Okay, what size and colour?”

“Why don’t you know everything about electrics?”

“Why did you waste so many years of your life studying pointless academic subjects?”

“You can’t even wire a van?”

“They know you don’t know what you’re doing”

“What do you know? Anything?”

“What’s the point of you?”

“What’s the point of anything?”

“Don’t cry in Screwfix”

“Don’t cry in Screwfix”

“Don’t cry in Screwfix”

“Don’t cry in Screwfix”

“Don’t worry. I’ll leave it for now”

“Leave everything?”

Back in car…

deep breaths…

deep breaths…

drive home…

go upstairs…

close door…

Hide from world.

[As a side note: I think it is totally acceptable to cry in Screwfix… or anywhere else. More crying in public please! :) ]

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