Dentist Commits Suicide to No One’s Surprise

Jack Gasper
Apr 9 · 2 min read

TOLEDO, OH — Yesterday afternoon, longtime Toledo resident and dentist, Lance Brown, was discovered dead in his office from apparent self-inflicted wounds.

According to a longtime patient of Dr. Brown’s, the deceased had been in a state of melancholy ever since he opened his dentistry practice in 1992 and often spoke about the futile and meaningless nature of existence.

“Life is like sugar,” he’d often say. “While it may taste sweet at first, it inevitably ends in decay, loss, and gum recession.”

Dr. Brown’s mother, Gloria (92), upon hearing of her son’s suicide, wrote a passionate Facebook post detailing her feelings. An excerpt from the post is copied below:

“He always had a brooding side. As a young boy, he used to take long walks through pet cemeteries looking for teeth in the ground. He would admire the teeth and appreciate how they were all that remained of a once vital being. He became a dentist to fight against the decomposition he saw and felt all around him. But eventually he stopped fighting. He just couldn’t combat the high fructose corn syrup. The sticky syrup of death, as he called it, had infiltrated the entire food supply. He couldn’t stop the cavities…

When Lance first told me he wanted to pursue dentistry, I urged him against it. I knew the risks involved. But he didn’t listen. As soon as he graduated and became a dentist, I knew I’d see my son leave this Earth before me. We all saw it coming.”

Dr. Brown’s longtime dental hygienist, Charles Witkins, had the following to say about the days leading up to his employer’s suicide.

“Things definitely got worse in the last few weeks. When he wasn’t cleaning teeth, he was cleaning his gun. I asked him about it and he said he was gearing up for duck season. I don’t hunt so I didn’t think anything about it. But in hindsight… I just don’t know. Too much laughing gas will make a man blue. Or maybe the fluoride got to him? I’ve heard it decalcifies the pineal gland. Once that happens, the spirit loses light. No way around it.

But I’ll never forget the last thing he said to me. ‘Don’t forget to floss’, he said. ‘Disease enters the body through the gums.’ I’ll never forget…

Ministry of Information

A Little Satire for Your Head?

Jack Gasper

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Ministry of Information

A Little Satire for Your Head?