How to Seduce a Woman in the #MeToo Age
Meeting women has always been difficult — especially if you’re a beta male without great physique and a low-paying job.
While charming a woman has always been a challenge, it used to be easy not to assault or traumatize one, but given the recent spate of sexual harassment charges and outing of sexual offenders in Hollywood, it’s become clear that there’s a significant amount of men who are disgusting predatory douchebags that abuse their power to force themselves on woman.
This has resulted in a zero-tolerance culture when it comes to undesired sexual advances.
Yet, while there are certainly a lot of gross men out there, many of us would still like to enjoy some old fashioned missionary-style sex with perhaps some butt-play and a little light choking on occasion. You know, innocent stuff.
So, to help all you nice guys out there understand best practices for post #metoo seduction and avoid the pratfalls of overstepping a woman’s boundaries, make sure to follow these easy steps.
Step 1: Never Approach a Woman You Don’t Know
It’s best to start off all new relationships with a lie.
If she knows that you’re initial attraction to her is based off her appearance and not the conversations you’ve yet to have, she will find you repellent.
Therefore, to avoid this conundrum, it’s best to never approach a woman in public if you don’t know her.
Asking a woman her name or offering to buy her a drink are examples of predatory behavior.
You have to get the woman to come to you.
Now, to do this you will need one of three things:
- A baby or small child
- An adorable dog, preferably a puppy
- An old lady who you can help with something in sight of the woman of interest.
Either one of the above things should suffice in drawing her interest and sparking an initial introduction. Although, a child or old lady are preferable, given they could testify in court to the consensual nature of your relationship if harassment charges were ever filed.
During this first conversation, mention that you are new to the neighborhood and ask if she can recommend a good place to eat. Hopefully, if she’s interested, she will say something like, “Oh, yeah I love such and such place, I can show you around.”
Step Two: Show No Signs of Romantic Interest and Act Slightly Removed
Never let on, at any point, that you’re capable of sexual feelings.
I’d advise that you tuck back your penis and balls and tape them to the underside of your gooch for the first few dates to avoid any threatening man bulges.
Be polite and show interest in what she says, but do not demonstrate any warm feelings or signs of attraction. Doing so is extremely threatening to women and may cause discomfort, especially if you’re in any way more successful than her in your career.
Step Three: Any Act of Chivalry is an Act of Misogyny
The times have changed. This isn’t 2016 anymore.
Do not choose the wine or order a woman’s food. This will likely get you castrated on social media.
Also, don’t hold the door for her, as she will interpret this as a sign you find her weak.
Furthermore, do not compliment her outfit as this can be interpreted as slimy and demonstrate you’re aware she has a body.
Most importantly, make absolutely no physical contact with said woman. If she initiates contact, such as placing her hand on your hand, you may reciprocate, but do not advance the contact in any way.
Step Four: Maintain Course and Keep a Steady Sail
Continue to meet with the woman, letting her pay for exactly 50% of all meals and drinks.
After the fourth or fifth date, you may drop subtle hints that you find her attractive.
If all goes well, she will eventually ask you why you haven’t made a move. At that point, you should smile sheepishly, look abashed, and say you just wanted to take things slow. She will smile back and tell you she understands.
From here on out you have the green light for first base.
Step Five: The Rule of 5's
Well done my friend, you’ve made it further than most!
But you now find yourself in extremely dangerous territory. Things can take a turn very quickly in these treacherous waters.
You may be getting a blowy one second only to wake the next morning to a bunch of hairy-bushed softball players wielding pitchforks and torches in your backyard.
Next thing you know you’re nothing but a hashtag without a job or any future.
So, make sure to follow this simple rule: The Rule of 5's
While engaging in sexual activities, you should confirm consent in a decreasing timeframe correlative with the degree of activity.
Here’s a chart:
- First Base: Confirm consent every 10 minutes
- Second Base: Confirm consent every 5 minutes
- Third Base: Confirm consent every 60 seconds
- During Sex: Before engaging in sexual congress, provide said woman with a whistle that she should hold at all times. Inform her that she should blow the whistle, if, at any point, she begins to feel that a lifetime of trauma and regret may follow another moment of you being inside her.
Step Six: Cleaning Up the Mess
Congratulations Old Sport! You made sweet sweet love!
You were kind, gentle, didn’t do anything too weird, and she didn’t even cry!
But nevertheless, things could still go wrong for you. Sure, she gave consent and seemed into it the whole time, but you may have failed to read her nonverbal cues.
To extinguish any simmering regrets that may be festering inside of her, make sure to ask her about her feelings, thank her for all she’s done, and apologize for being such a filthy animal with disgusting urges.
