Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Washing Jeans Smells Terrible When it Rains
ALBURTIS, PA — Located 15 miles past a small town no one’s heard of lies the even more insignificant locale of Alburtis, PA. While not much tends to happen in this town, one man has extended his influence past the bordering fields with tales of his lousy personal hygiene.
For months the townspeople of Alburtis have complained to each other about resident Clayton White’s preposterous beliefs about not washing denim and the resulting odor of his moronic ideas.
According to White, “I read it in article — right in GQ or something another, you know, one of those supermarket magazines. It said right there on the title, Never Wash Your Denim. It’s bad for the fabric. Takes away the color and weakens the fibers. You should just scrub stains as they happen with a tooth brush. I know it sounds crazy but just look at the relaxed feel of my jeans… Look at it.”
Despite Mr. White’s cited sources and obvious enthusiasm, his friends and neighbors claim he smells like a dog whenever it rains.
“We’d all get in the car on a rainy day and be like what the hell’s that smell? Dude it’s your pants!” said Chuck Wilmer, friend of White’s, “He’d deny it at first but eventually we figure’d it out. It was like clockwork, every time it rained. It smells like months of stored up ball sweat being released from a dormant state — truly disgusting.”
“It’s a pretty wicked stench,” said Alison Buchanan, Alburtis resident. “I mean, most of the men in Alburtis don’t smell great, but this is a different level. He’s okay on a normal day, but if a light mist hits his pants the filthiest smell rises off him, it’s like someone scooped roadkill into a Tupperware, let it stew in a hot shed for weeks, then opened it and took a huge whiff. Unforgivable.”
“They just don’t get it” said White in response to his neighbors complaints. “It’s not easy being a trailblazer. I was just trying to do my part to save and conserve. I figured hell, the cowboys didn’t wash their denim every week... But, I admit it’s true that fresh rain really does create an unfavorable reaction. I guess cowboys smelled a bit too. It’s called being a man.”
