White Guy with Dreads Has No Idea He’s “That Guy”

BLOOMSBURG, PA — Despite assurances from friends and strangers alike that he is most definitely “That Guy”, one Bloomsburg creative writing student refuses to confront reality.

Jacob “The Dankness” Howard has sported dread locks ever since his freshman year of college. In his three year tenure at the school he has achieved majority mindshare across all campus demographics as the ultimate “That Guy”, although The Dankness himself would disagree.

“I think I have a really cool natural look. I’m definitely not “That Guy”,” he said, pointing at a guy with a man bun.

“I think people can tell by my dreads that I’m a really progressive person who has interesting music taste and stuff— I mean nobody really listens to Bob Marley or Sublime anymore, so I feel like it’s my job to keep the legacy’s of these artists alive.”

When questioned about a vocal minority of African American students on campus who claim he appropriated their culture, The Dankness replied, “A lot of people don’t understand that having knotty dreads is just part of who I am. I grew up listening to Marley, it’s the only culture I know. Plus, what’s appropriation anyway? Last time I checked the guitar didn’t come from Jamaica… and I don’t here anybody saying Marley appropriated the instrument he uses?”

“I’m just happy I can express myself authentically,” said The Dankness. “There’s so many phonies today wearing man-buns or shaving the sides of their head. It’s like, you’re not a Samurai dude, quite pretending to be somebody your not. You should proud of who you are and where you came from. Everybody knows that if you have a man bun you’re just a douchebag… I’m so glad I”m not “That Guy”!”