ARDMORE, PA — According to multiple witnesses present at Greg Bailey’s monthly poker game last evening, his wife Jill committed first-degree manslaughter of all the chill vibes.
Greg and Jill married last year, a wedding described by attendees as overly-planned and just a little too perfect. Since reading their nuptials, Jill has done everything in her power to insert herself into her husband’s peer group. She insists that she’s “up for anything” and that she’s always been “one of the guys.”
While Jill may have a bubbly personality and a tight little rump, reports indicate that no one wants her at guys’ night.
“She’s always asking us what’s new?” said Greg’s pal Chip. “And nothing’s every fucking new. Yet she asks every time…”
Dustin Renig, another friend present at the poker game, said the following:
Jill’s fine. We all like Jill. But not enough to let her ruin poker night!
She always tells these stupid stories about her friends and family’s children that are never funny even though she thinks they are. It’s so clear she aches for motherhood, talk about a buzzkill. I don’t want to think about kids, it’s guys’ night, not weekdays from 8–9:30.
Greg’s brother Will had the harshest review of her presence:
Jill’s a sweetheart, no denying it, but she has this habit of fucking everything up. For instance, she bought us all hoagies, which is a nice thought, but she didn’t think to get oil and vinegar on the side, so all the bread was soggy!
Also, she’d bring a glass of water to anyone getting too drunk and just place it in front of them, without saying a word or drawing any attention to it. It’s like, get out of your own ass already.
And as if that’s not bad enough, she always shames us whenever we make jokes about another woman or any other group of people at all, like we’re alt-right trolls or something. She’ll never understand we only make jokes about those we love. How small her mind, how limited her truth…