On Unemployment — Being a Societal Drain

I am very, very unemployed.

I have been unemployed for 7 months now and done very little with my time off. I am set to graduate from university soon and be admitted as a lawyer but I have a very average GPA. I am not a candidate that employers are looking for though.

I am trying not to remain very unemployed.

I have applied to hundreds and hundreds of jobs ranging from sandwich fetcher, office junior to solicitor. I apply for internships and volunteer work. Graduate programs. If it is an organization, I have a job seeker account on it. If it is a program, I have applied to it.

In the mean time, I volunteer. I’ve volunteered as a maid, a waitress, customer service, project manager, social media coordinator, and gift wrapper. Each volunteer place will give me new experiences and new skills. I read Socrates, Epictetus and various legal cases to try and keep my mind running.

I write cover letters, CVs and resumes for each new employer. There may only be so many variations you can write on “time management skills” but I haven’t hit the limit.

I attend job interviews. I’m naturally quite shy but I try to convey my beliefs and thoughts in a clear, structured manner. I haven’t been networking but currently I’ve been attending various meetings of my legal peers.

I click rejection emails everyday in my inbox. That is ok, there are many other people applying for the jobs and probably someone more deserving received one. Someone who was a better fit.

I apply for another job. I apply for almost everything. No job is too small for me, I will apply for it. I’ve applied for so many roles that I’ve lost track of whether I’ve applied to that role before. The only thing stopping me from applying from certain jobs is the fact that I’m not a qualified nurse.

I cry at night because of how unproductive I’ve become and the fact that I’m a drain upon society. I contribute and I do nothing. I do housework and I pay rent but is that truly helping out my family? Other people don’t have the opportunities I have but yet I’m squandering my life away.

All I do is volunteer. I am regularly told that if what I did was useful, I would be paid for it. I am starting to agree with the sentiment. I am fairly useless in the world.

I’m slowly losing motivation even as I apply for yet another job. I am willing to go out to the corporations and kneel down for hours. I just want to work, I just want to do something.

I’ve been stuck in this hamster wheel for 7 months now. The grind of applying and rejection slowly wears down your soul. I have learnt that I am a terrible person. I am unworthy of working. I am a drain on everything. I don’t deserve to live in the society I live in. I am valueless.

I apply for another job and that is that. All I can do is apply for jobs. Apply and pray that one day I will have a successful interview and a paycheck. I don’t have worth now but one day I will have worth.