Making Other Plans
For the first time in a long time, I was able to stop and reflect and really look inside myself. This moment had come after spending two weeks with my closest friend in the world. We really spent a lot of time dissecting our lives and looking at the details under a microscope. We engaged in crystal work, energy work and even consulted a pendulum for some much needed centering and hormone balancing. This was my first step in really taking myself and my health seriously. Finally I was able to listen to my body and in the process really blew away the cobwebs in my brain. I could see clearly what my vision of myself was but I still had no idea how to get there. I knew what I wanted for my life and my life with my husband but I sill wasn’t sure where to start.
*** we start with a vacation ***
Vacation time is hard to come by in our industry. We often find ourselves understaffed and overworked but without anyone to cover us while we are gone. So the opportunity to get away is something that we treasure. On this much needed break from our reality, I realized that as much as I love what I do, I don’t love its physical and emotional toll it takes on me and my relationships. I know that whatever I choose to do with my life will eventually consume it until I get it fully self sufficient and am able to take some serious time off, but what if it doesn’t need to be that way? What if I can find a job doing the things that really sing to my heart. This brings me back to the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And why do we have to wait until we retire to do the things that matter most to us in life? I”m tired of waiting, it is time to take life by the balls. It is time for me to control my own destiny and happiness and not wait until someone recognizes my potential or decides that I am finally “good enough.”
But what to do I want to do? I have been playing with my new camera that my husband bought me as an early Hanukkah present just after we got married. I brought it on this vacation with me and found that I am actually a great photographer. I don’t know how to use editing programs yet but I do know how to find the contrasts in lighting and how to make textures pop. Perhaps I am onto something with this photography thing but I find it difficult to be inspired while inside the great city of Dallas. Nature is where the beauty is. Nature is that I am most drawn to and how absolutely incredible the universe truly is. Being able to capture the energy behind something or the essence of beauty in something simple that we would ordinarily take for granted is what I love to do. Looking at things from a different perspective both literally and metaphorically.
My vacation from a different point of view is just what I needed to open my eyes. I was looking at our long time vacation spot from the back side of a camera and my husband really showed me what all that spot had to offer. There was so much that I had never taken the time to look at before and all I needed was a gentle push to see its real potential. Exploring was never really something that I enjoyed doing and in most cases brought me some sort of anxiety. Having him by my side let me know that getting lost would be ok, that we could find our way home no problem. Together we can do anything. Together we can take this step to live life to the fullest. I have felt like these last few years have really just flown by and that all I seem to do is plan to do things but never actually make them happen.
When I came home from my vacation, I learned that a friend had recently quit her job to live life in the moment and spend quality time with her wife and triplets. The first thing I felt was a real sense of envy and was so proud of her for taking that scary step. But as I read her story, I realized that that step doesn’t have to be so scary and that with just a little bit of planning, is a step that we can all take. So what is holding me back? I am sitting watching everyone take the leap that I am too afraid to make but want to so desperately. So what am I so afraid of, success or failure?
Why would someone be afraid of success? Because it means more responsibility and more demand for you and your time. It would mean more stress and more anxiety. These are all things that I don’t necessarily want more of. I find comfort in not having all of the responsibility and in knowing that all I have to do is show up to work, do my job, and go home. Even if it doesn’t bring me the most joy, it creates a level of comfort. I don’t like that I have no control over my own situation and seem to be planning my life around work, rather than the other way around. So I find myself in an odd dilemma.
The flip side of that same coin is being afraid of failure. Most people are. We set out to do something new and pioneer a whole new world but what if we fail, what if we don’t find greatness on the other side and we have walked away from the comfort of monotony? There is no fun in failure, only lessons to be learned. So, I ask “So what if I fail?”, at least I had the courage to try. At least I pushed my own boundaries and grew in some way. I have taken many leaps of faith in the past and to me this may just be one more. At the end of the day, what is the worst that can happen? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. I read somewhere that a winner is just a loser who got back up. So get back up! Every failure is just an opportunity in disguise. An opportunity to try things a different way. Everyone who is successful in this world is someone who was rejected, or told no, or was told their ideas were stupid/crazy/out of this world. They never let that get them down, they persevered.
What are the things that matter the most to us? For some of us it is material things, for others it is experiences. Life is comprised of a series of small moments that get strung along in a chain of events that suddenly define who we are as a person. As we look back and reflect on who we are and how we got to where we are, it is interesting to see the path that was taken. Are you blazing your own way or are you following a path that was set before you? Are you a risk taker and a pioneer, or are you comfortable in the daily rituals of life? Do you rely on others for their light or do you let your light shine for others?
We all have something that makes us tick. For me, it is the ocean and nature. I miss living by water. I am reminded of everything that I gave up for a better opportunity as I commute through the cold city where the only landscape is future building sites that have been bulldozed. I look forward to the day when I am no longer chained to my job. The day when I am free to travel and do what it is I love to do. My goal for this year is to set myself up to be able to enjoy myself more. Learn more about myself and discover just who I am. Now that I am officially 1/3 of the way through my potentially 100 years of life, it is time to live for me. I have spent so much of my life working toward something, some goal, some better version of myself or my life that I lost track of what life is really about. I no longer find myself looking to enjoy every small moment in the day. I no longer look for the small moments and am perpetually feeling rushed from one task to another watching the hours of my day fly by and days turn into weeks in the blink of an eye. I feel like I have lost so much time and that is something that I am working hard to change.
I have said for years that I work to live, not live to work. While I love my job and many of the people I work with, I have made work the focus of my life and have lost sight of what really matters. When my (now) husband and I lived in Florida, we made time to go down to the beach and go fishing every opportunity we had. It didn’t matter if we had to work the next day, if we had 15 hours, we would drive 2 hours down south to a great fishing spot, fish over night, nap in the car, and show back up for work the next day. We didn’t have to make time to live, we just naturally looked for every opportunity. Now that we live in Dallas and have higher level jobs, we have to be more available for work and as a result have lost sight of the things that bring us joy. We no longer look for those opportunities, either because its too late, or simply because we are too tired. The funny thing is that what seems like a lifetime ago was in actuality just two years ago.
It is as if we force ourselves to try to enjoy the moments as they fly by. A five day vacation seemed like nothing and we didn’t really get to relax because while we were out of town, work was still on the phone every day. We shouldn’t have to go away to get away. Home should be a sanctuary and not just a place we pass through between shifts at work. I have set up my desk/office at work in a way that reminds me what I am working so hard for. I am working hard for a simpler life. There are photos of beaches and mermaids all around my desk. Reminders of a life that I used to have and long for again. It is as if through the struggle of crappy jobs, a crappy job market, a crappy economy, and little to no money, we managed to find joy in the little things. When did we let go of that? When did it become about building a life and not living one?
What is the point of building a great life, having the money, the cars, the apartment, when you don’t find joy in the little things anymore? What is the point when you are too busy or too exhausted to enjoy these things? Life is about the small moments between doing the things you “have” to do. We mustn’t give in to the hustle and bustle of “adulthood.” We should always keep that childlike fantasy within us and remember that some of the greatest adventures are the simplest ones. It is as if I am sitting here waiting for some sort of universal awakening. I remember the freeing moment when I really wanted to go for a run but it was raining. A friend jokingly said over the phone “just go run in the rain.” So I did. I don’t like being wet and cold, but it was so incredibly refreshing and I just felt amazing to be in nature and trudging along on the soggy running path that I had run every day before that. Suddenly I was able to see through the fog, as if the rain washed away my problems, and I felt clear.
So it is time to get back to the simple life. Time to get back to the things that matter. Time to make a change. Time to take my life back and remember what is truly important. While I have tasted what it is like to have a good job and some good money, I don’t feel any happier for it. I don’t feel like life is any better for it. When the circumstance change, its ok to change your mind. Well, I’m here to say I’m changing my mind. I’m making other plans. There is greatness on the horizon and many adventures to come. I welcome all of it with open arms, scared as hell. Nothing worth having comes easy, so lets lace up the boots and get down to it.
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