Yes, Forgive.
[Matthew 18:21–35]
The year was 2003 I was going into my third year of college. A friend and fraternity brother named James and I met a girl named Lauren (names are changed). I met her at a gathering and when James came into town for a weekend over the summer. I invited the two of them to a concert. We all hit it off. Lauren and I liked each other…. a lot. We began dating. The summer term had come to an end. I went to meet my family in Daytona for a getaway. I had this weird feeling about Lauren and I. I just pictured in my head that something was going on between her and James.
The two weeks off were over and we were back in Tallahassee awaiting the start of fall semester. James and I go out and in many ways it was like time hadn’t moved on. It was great. Then she disappears. She did not respond to my calls. She did not show up at my friend’s welcome back hang. Gone. Every possible scenario is running through my head. I try to be rational. I just knew in my gut James she’s with James. Finally, after three days the phone rings. The caller ID says Lauren. She breaks up with me. She says she is not yet ready to date. She is not over her ex.
I was pretty furious. I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. I called my friend James and asked if I could come over. I didn’t want to be alone. I called James because I knew my fears were irrational I knew he wouldn’t date her he knew my feelings for her. I went to bed that night thinking about how I was going to tell her off. I was watching reruns on TBS, then went to sleep. At the time I used my TV as my alarm. The TV turned on the next morning and Dawson’s Creek was on. No judgement! The dialogue between the characters was exactly what I was dealing with. They also, were talking about forgiveness. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew God was saying “forgive”.
A week later it was Rush at the fraternity house. Lauren shows up. She is acting as if nothing had ever happened. Worse yet, her and James were quite flirty with each other. A week later they announced they were in a relationship. Yes, the girl that just broke up with me because she is not over her ex who is not ready to date is now in a relationship with my friend James. The same friend that consoled me after she broke up with me. The same friend that I was feeling she may have been cheating on me with. I know. They were just friends and their friendship blossomed to something more and our dating relationship fizzled. It’s life. This happens.
Fast forward a few months later they had broken up. Then one night, an interesting thing happened. James said to me: “Hey man remember last summer after summer session? Back when you and Lauren were seeing each other? When you were in Daytona and she and I were at a concert in Orlando, she and I started seeing each other that night…. and more. We had been talking since we met. I’m sorry man. I am a lousy friend.”
So it would be understandable to many that at this point when all of my suspicions were confirmed that I should be furious. Friendship OVER! But, you know. He confessed something serious to me. He put our friendship on the line. He admitted he was a bad friend. He actually said that that he was a bad friend It was easy to forgive him. Why would I not forgive him? I would be the one that would be hurt by that. When we do not forgive it hurts us. It hurts us at our core. Forgiving James was not hard, especially as he confessed. Confession goes a long way but that topic is for another time
Forgiving Lauren, now that was more difficult It took effort. It took prayer. Today there are no hard feelings. Probably more because it has been 17 years. There are still people that when I see or hear from them, I just kind of grumble. In whatever way that I feel they wronged me I have difficulty forgiving. It is a daily struggle. This way of thinking and feeling this internal grumble toward someone is not healthy for us. As CS Lewis wrote in his book, the Great Divorce:
Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others… but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine.
It is not a question of God “sending us” to hell. In each of us, there is something growing, which will be hell unless it is nipped in the bud. Withholding forgiveness will be hell on earth for us. It hurts us. It holds us down. It will be a prison. I don’t want to see that for any of you.
One thing to make perfectly clear. The call to forgive and the call to trust are NOT one in the same. Forgiveness is a gift Trust is earned. I don’t know that I will ever “trust” James again.
Now back to forgiveness…
Another thing to make clear. Often when we speak of forgiveness, we think of others that need to forgive their wrong-doers. The black community hears this a lot from the white community: forgive white people, it was our ancestors! Stop holding on to the past! But, this is to spark in us who we need to forgive, not who others need to forgive. Now, if you have a close friend or family member that you know is being held back by not forgiving, that is a different story, as you have the appropriate relationship with that person to speak into their life. Still, the first thing is who do we need to forgive?
Now, why else, aside from our own benefit, should we forgive? We’re in “church” sort of this counts. Y’all know the answer! What answer is always right in Sunday school? Jesus! God forgave us as stated in Romans 5:15–16 And don’t judge me for using the Message version right here:
If one man’s sin put crowds of people at the dead-end abyss of separation from God, just think what God’s gift poured through one man, Jesus Christ, will do! There’s no comparison between that death-dealing sin and this generous, life-giving gift.
We sinned. All of us. We sinned against God. As Lauren was unfaithful to her and my relationship we are unfaithful to God. We cheat on God and for cheap substitutes. BUT! Through the work of Christ dying on the cross being raised from the dead, our unfaithfulness has been reconciled.
This brings me to today’s passage:
Let me illustrate a radical, modern-day example of this. Alice Mukarurinda and Emmanuel Ndayisaba. This story began in the 1990s during the genocide in Rwanda “Whenever I look at my arm I remember what happened,” said Alice, a mother of five with a deep scar on her left temple where Emanuel sliced her with a machete. Emmanuel killed Alice’s child and cut off half of her arm. Strong conviction major guilt ate at him. He turned himself in and served 6 years in prison. This was nothing short of an act of God. Emmanuel confessed to God. He didn’t stop there. He knelt before Alice and begged her forgiveness.
Considering the circumstances, these words of alice are very powerful. She states: “We had attended workshops and trainings and our hearts were kind of free, and I found it easy to forgive,” ……… “The Bible says you should forgive and you will also be forgiven.”
“I had prayed to God to show me the person who cut me, so I could stop judging everyone. God did. Emmanuel came to me, he confessed, and he asked me to forgive him. I knew I must. To have refused him, when he was genuine in repenting, would have been a sin. You cannot carry sin through life and face God with it.”
They are friends now. Close friends. Could you do it? It is easy to empathize the woman who was abused, but how easy is it to love and forgive her abuser? (Note: I do NOT mean let off the hook legally, justice should be pursued). It is easy to empathise with the child who was molested. But how easy is it to love and forgive the child molester? (Again, same side-note from above).
Who makes your blood boil? Who has betrayed you? Who makes you grumble? God forgave you. Who do you need to forgive?
“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’
Let us pray.
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