Dinopocalype Now!

A random and unintentional story

Some of you are on my list.

What list you might ask?

Well, the only one I’ve made so far... people I would let on my Australian rocket ship in the event of Dinosaurs coming back.

Seriously, I saw Jurassic Park. Fuck a damn dinosaur eating my ass.

Either way, if you are on the list, you have a seat saved.

So, I’m an American, why is my rocket ship in Australia? Well, several reasons. Firstly, no one expects Australians to get their heads out of a pint long enough to develop space travel, so it preserves the secrecy of my project. Secondly, the Australian Aborigines have known of the impending Dinosaur return for millennia, and have vast plans to escape it. I figure I’ll stick close to the experts. But mostly: The dinosaurs will get to Australia last.

It turns out the the Platypus was genetically designed by a precursor race as a last stand against a potential Dino-Resurgence, allowing human kind precious time to escape, or at least apologize to the various indigenous people who have been shit on (who actually know all about the eventual Dinosplosion to come… you’ve heard of the Dream Time from Australian Aboriginal lore? Well this is the lesser known Oh Shit! Time. Yep, they’ve known all along and have their own Rocketships ready. You’ve heard of Fear of a Black Planet? Well, get ready for that shit because the population of Escape Planet X is going to be, like 90% Australian Aborigine. I hope you like the Didgeridoo).

Because of this my Rocket ship is reached, by myself and a select few from outside of Australia, by an Trans-Core bullet-ship called the Aufuq Disshit which only has one-fire capability, as the resulting holes generated in the Earth’s crust will allow for catastrophic “volcano” activity of the likes last seen in Earth’s Hadean period.

But fuck it, right? I mean, if Dinosaurs take over, let em roast.

So, anyway, we pop out in Canberra (because, well, fuck Canberra amiright?), underneath the Department of Immigration and Border Protection (make me fill out 15 customs declaration forms, read 8 pages about seeds and cat fur and other freaky shit on your banned list, and then don’t even check my package? No. No, sir! Eat lava, bitches).

From there we zoom over to the Telstra Tower, which is (shhh, don’t tell anyone!) the pointy part of the rocket ship! I know, I know, diabolically clever! We’ll be met there by 1st Mate Wild Flower who will initiate pre-flight checks as soon as the bullet ship crosses core meridian.

I would have built the ship a bit closer to her, but she had a fit regarding putting a massive hole of molten destruction in Gaia, and would only agree if the destruction were focused in Canberra, which she did with a somewhat disturbing amount of glee. Also, within 15 minutes of telling her about the Rocketship she told at least 20 people. She cannot keep a secret!! This way if someone actually believes her, they’d have to go to Canberra to prove it, and phone polls have shown that no one really wants to do that.

What can I say? She’s the only trained rocketeer I know with post orbital flight experience… and she’s delightful. The awesome chocolate you’ll be munching on in the Luxury Emergency Dinosaur Zero-hour Escape Party Pod (hereafter known as the LEDZEPP), yep, she made that shit. I stocked the wet bar myself (no Fosters, cause fuck Fosters, and yes, there is a lot of Lambrusco in there… because I like it, I don’t care how gauche it is, I’m Captain Dag, and this here’s my ship, and my ship gotta have Lambrusco).

So, yes, we got this covered. I can’t tell you the rest of the guest list for fear of generating a general panic, but I will tell you that individual notifications will be sent prior to, and in the event of, a mass Dinosaur outbreak.