Growing Up

I sent this video to several of my friends the other afternoon, and said something to the effect of it being a good summary of the work we’re doing on my team. One of them stated the work is “immensely challenging.” She is the same person who asked my recently about my “sudden interest in my mental health” and promptly broke my heart.

Above mentioned video

I’ve always said that I strive to be the person to the kids in my state that I needed growing up. I cannot change my past, or the things that happened to me. Hell, I can’t do much about the subsequent damage I caused as a result, except make amends and be different, now.

But I can help these youth and their families here and now. Maybe, just maybe, my co-workers and myself, and the families in my state can prevent the extent of damage that exists in my own history. It is powerful fuel for me, no doubt.

It’s this combination of work and life that have had my questioning so much of my own receovery lately. There is a balance in all of this, I thought. But is there? Isn’t all I have Now, and now includes just a event or two unfolding in real time. The rest of the story is happening inside of me. Between my ears. In my heart. In my soul, perhaps. I am not sure if I can ever be truly “balanced” in this form. However, I can be more present, more mindful of the now, and aware of what actaully matters to me. If pain and distrust run rampant in my mind and soul unchecked, they more than likely will prevail in the now in some manifestation.

What’s coolest about all of this is that I could be totally off of my rocker and off base, but my life is all mine. All of the mistakes and missteps, mine. All of the lessons, mine. I am not here to have my mistakes or sucesses lived by someone else. My realtionship to the world and the Universe and to other people is my journey.

How often do we forget to live our own lives because we are too busy trying to live someone else’s? How often are we left out becasue we are struggling in another time, another day, and still losing that years’ old argument? Or fighting the fight we haven’t had yet?

I want to talk so much more about this. However, this is more of an Update post. This is me waving at you from this moment, excited for the cup of coffee in my hand, and the freedom in my heart this mornig. The spring rain beating a steady tattoo against my roof and my windows is the most beautiful sounds I’ve heard, today.


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