Stand-off in Friendville

“What’s up?” she asked, sitting on the brick walk next to him.

“Nothing,” he said, looking down at his hands.

“Fascinating.” He snorted a short laugh at that, unable to help himself.

“I’m just sitting around, not much else going on.”

“I’ve missed you,” she said, “work’s not the same. Hows the new place?”

“It’s good. I miss you too.”

“You could call me, you know. Hey, are you going to even look at me?”

“That better?” he said, looking up and into her eyes, his lack of expression forced.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me nothing, something is wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry about it.”

“Please tell me,” she said, putting her hand on his. He pulled his hand away.

“You’re asking a question you really might not want the answer to,” he said. Looking her in the eyes again, his expression softened.

“You can tell me anything,” she said, putting her hand back on his.

“Promise?” he asked, moving her hand away, gently this time. She nodded her head. “This,” he waved his hand back and forth between them, “this is what’s wrong. Wait…” He held his hand up to halt her response. “You wanted me to tell you so I’m going to. It’ll be a relief to say it out loud, so just let me say it.

“I don’t know if you’re just unaware or if you know and pretend to be unaware because it’s easier, or what. I’ve done everything but come right out and say it because once I do, there’s no un-saying it. It’s out there. I thought I’d rather have you in some way than not at all, but it’s… I can’t function sometimes…”

“Mark — ”

“If you stop me now I’ll never say it. Please just let me finish. If I only end up making an ass out of myself at least I’ll know how things stand.

“I think about you constantly. I wake up thinking of you and I go to sleep thinking of you. All day long I’m thinking about you. Sometimes you do things that start me thinking you feel the same and I’m on cloud nine. Everything is beautiful, nothing really bothers me. I’m the best version of me.

“Then you say something odd… that I can’t quite figure out. An emphasis on certain words, ignoring something I say, just little things, as if to remind me where we stand without coming right out and and pushing me back. Nothing that couldn’t mean something else, I guess, but it flattens me, crushes me and then I’m the exact opposite of before. My chest hurts like the middle of it is clenched… and I feel like such an idiot. Like I’m just… so damned stupid… again. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat.

“Jamie,” he paused for a moment, holding his hand up. She stayed silent. “I’m completely screwing this up. I knew I’d do this.”

“Mark, seriously — ”

“Jamie…” he started, pausing, “Jamie, I’m in love with you so bad I feel like I can’t breath sometimes. Didn’t you see how you made me smile? How I couldn’t stop? Did you think I just walked around smiling all the time? I’m crazy about you. I swear to god sometimes I feel like I’m dying without you. It’s crazy, but we always have fun together, right? Oh, and not to be insulting but what is with the dickheads you keep dating? Are you kidding me? On my worst day I’d treat you better than that. Why do you settle for someone who doesn’t constantly think about kissing you? I did, all the time, do you know what that’s like — ”

“Shut up,” she said suddenly, her voice raised a bit from her usual volume.

“What — ”

“Mark,” she said sternly. “Do you remember when you told me, oh, what… over a year ago, I think, that I didn’t have to worry about you hitting on me? What was I supposed to think? I’ve been keeping the boundary because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable with our friendship. Jesus… That would have saved me from the last guy I fell for. Agh! Why didn’t you tell me sooner...? Tell me something?”

“I… What? Wait, what? I didn’t want you to think I was a creep! You’re always telling me how you’re out of this or that relationship and don’t even want to think about feelings or whatever so I’m constantly being careful. At what point was I supposed to figure out you’re suddenly cool with that? Oh, and what about the guys who hit on you and you’d tear them up when it was just us— ”

“Because they were jerks. You’re not! I like you. A lot! I might even love you but you’ve got to give me a chance to take this all in. All this time, I wished the guys I was with were more like you. But you, oh no, I thought you weren’t interested! Every time you were really sweet to me I was worrying that if I moved in a little bit closer I’d lose that. No one’s ever been that nice to me. What was I supposed to do? Don’t blame this on me — ”

“Jamie — ”

“You close up and won’t let anything out and I’m supposed to read your mind and — ”

“Jamie — ”

“What?!” she said loudly, caught up in her tirade.

“I’m going to kiss you,” he said, leaning in.

“Yes… please,” she breathed out before their lips touched.