How Parents Can Communicate with Children About Relationships and Coach Critical Thinking in Conflict Scenarios

Published in

Missing Dimension Club

5 min readJul 5, 2024

I wouldn’t say my mom is enlightened, but she had some very different views about relationships and communication that were (and still are) far ahead of their time.

When I came to her crying about how mean a friend was treating me, I was asked to remember how to properly communicate to that person that they were treating me badly. I was asked what kind of friend I was. I was asked to be very assertive, self aware, and appreciative from the time I was a small child.

My mom didn’t get hysterical about anything- grades, sickness, sports, anything. It was understood I could solve most problems by myself, and I should in order to learn faster. If I made the wrong choice I wasn’t punished necessarily- I just had to deal with consequences myself.

I think my mom had enough sense to respect I was my own person and she coached me to make my own decisions rather than rely on her for limits. Consequently I grew up to be a person who can navigate people with self reliance and self awareness. It was hard some times; I can remember wanting mom to hate that dumb girl too and defend me and my feelings. But that wouldn’t be very noble, so she would ask me how I could fix it.

Reflecting on my childhood, I can see that I ultimately benefitted from someone giving me guidance on how to solve my own problems rather than rely on her to defend me.

Communicating effectively with children about relationships and guiding them through conflict scenarios is crucial for their development. It’s not just about solving problems in the moment but equipping them with lifelong skills. Below, I’ve examined a few sources on strategies for parents to foster critical thinking and effective communication in their children, backed by expert opinions and practical insights.

Teach Assertive Communication Early On

Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully. Teaching children to communicate assertively from a young age helps them build healthy relationships and stand up for themselves. According to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,” parents should model assertive communication and encourage children to practice it. She states, “Children learn by watching us. If we handle conflicts with respect and assertiveness, they will learn to do the same.”

Practical Tips:
- Role-play scenarios with your child where they need to assert themselves. For instance, taking away a toy and not sharing it, crossing boundaries, or showing how you might react.
- Encourage the use of “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when you do that.” Gentle redirection in the instance of play, making flashcards.
- Validate their feelings and guide them in finding words to express themselves. Use feelings cards, maps, and make faces or demonstrate feelings openly.

2. Encourage Self-Awareness and Empathy

Understanding one’s own emotions and empathizing with others are key components of emotional intelligence. Encouraging children to reflect on their feelings and consider the perspectives of others fosters empathy and better conflict resolution. Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence,” emphasizes the importance of empathy in communication, stating, “Empathy is an antidote to aggression, a mode of relating to others that helps us understand and care about them.”

Practical Tips:
- Ask open-ended questions about their feelings and experiences.
- Discuss the emotions and perspectives of others involved in a conflict.
- Encourage journaling or drawing to help them express and understand their emotions.

3. Promote Critical Thinking and Problem-Solving

Critical thinking involves analyzing situations, considering various outcomes, and making reasoned decisions. Teaching children to think critically about conflicts helps them become more independent and effective problem-solvers. According to Dr. Richard Paul and Dr. Linda Elder, prominent figures in critical thinking education, “Children should be taught to think about their thinking, to recognize when they are being unclear or irrational, and to ask questions that probe deeply.”

Practical Tips:
- Guide them through a problem-solving process: identify the problem, brainstorm solutions, evaluate options, and implement a plan. Use mapping on a piece of paper to show consequences.
- Encourage them to ask questions and explore different perspectives, and think through empathy in a situation that another person might be experiencing.
- Praise their efforts in thinking through problems, even if the outcomes are not perfect. Ask again and again what are the consequences of a situation, whether imposed or abstract.

4. Allow Natural Consequences

Experiencing the natural consequences of their actions helps children learn accountability and decision-making. Instead of shielding them from every mistake, allow them to face appropriate consequences and learn from them. As parenting expert Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of “Positive Discipline,” states, “Children learn more from their own experiences than from lectures or punishment. Natural consequences help them understand the real-world impact of their actions.”

Practical Tips:
- Discuss potential consequences of actions before they occur, use your mapping skills to think about different outcomes.
- Support them in reflecting on the outcomes of their decisions by talking them through and describing scenarios.
- Avoid rescuing them from every mistake; instead, provide guidance on how to make better choices next time. Reflect together on how choices could have led to different outcomes.

5. Be a Calm and Consistent Role Model

Children learn how to handle conflicts by observing their parents. Maintaining calmness and consistency in your reactions teaches children how to navigate conflicts with composure. As you model these behaviors, they learn to replicate them in their interactions. Parenting coach Dr. Laura Markham highlights, “Your calmness is the foundation of your child’s ability to calm themselves and handle conflicts constructively.”

Practical Tips:
- Stay calm and composed during conflicts, demonstrating that there isn’t a need to get upset.
- Consistently apply rules and consequences. This is so important. Learning boundaries around communication isn’t reliant on mood- but by event.
- Show empathy and patience, even when discussing difficult topics. Try to become your child, think as they think, and they will begin to see the strength in imagining empathy for others.

Conclusion

Communicating with children about relationships and coaching them to use critical thinking in conflict scenarios is a powerful way to equip them with essential life skills. By teaching assertive communication, encouraging self-awareness and empathy, promoting critical thinking, allowing natural consequences, and being a calm role model, parents can guide their children towards becoming resilient, empathetic, and effective problem-solvers.