What Being Called Stupid for 10 Years Does to You

I’ve been called ‘stupid’ for about a decade — for making trivial mistakes, for being a disappointment, for asking for help — by someone who once cared about me.

And the unimaginable part is, I tried to take it all in. I convinced myself that being told so was a good thing because if anything, it’d be a lesson to not make the same mistake again.

This was the way to learn. This was how I could become smarter, I’d tell myself.
Otherwise, how could I ever improve?

But no matter how well-thought out these self-justifying explanations were, it hurt. It pained me every single time, in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe.

Besides stripping me of my self-confidence, it broke my enthusiasm towards learning; tasks I’d failed, mistakes I’d made — I’d chalk it up to my incompetence even when it was reasonable to fail within limits. I began believing I was more stupid and over time, I began to develop a fear towards failure. I was afraid I’d somehow slip up and once again hear those dreadful words ringing into my ears: “Are you fucking stupid?!”

It wasn’t until years later after breaking out of the relationship and meeting people who had instead encouraged me to learn from my mistakes that I realized how real the dangers of being called…