Tinder sucks. Let’s talk.

Imagine strolling through campus on a warm Tuesday afternoon when suddenly:

A tall guy holding a “Tinder Sucks. Let’s talk.” whiteboard and his friend strumming the guitar by his side.

This is exactly what you would have stumbled across had you been strolling through Stanford University last May.

How did we get here? What was the inspiration? More importantly, what was the point?

In our hopes of finding romance, Kevin and I had turned to the medium everyone’s trying out nowadays: dating apps. On a nudge from a friend, I tried out Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and all the rest. The experience was more or less the same: setup a detailed profile that paints you in a good light, go through the stack of profiles choosing to like or pass on each one, and start chatting with matches as they roll in. I used each one for a good few weeks, eager to find someone special.

Yet while I was trying them out, something didn’t feel quite right. It felt weird to curate a profile so that others would see only a certain side of me. It felt wrong to swipe “no thanks” over and over again as if I was laying out personal judgements. And it felt strange to get matched with people I had never met before, whom I had no real connection with.

Real life connection. Above all, it seemed like that was the element that was missing in these dating apps. Kevin and I started this Mist project with the hopes of changing that.

Before we started, we first wanted to hear from others our age. Was it just Kevin and I who felt this way? Or do other students share similar frustrations around dating apps?

We had already learned a lot from a substantial amount of polling and interviews at USC. It was now time for a new population, a new setting, and a new approach. As soon as our Junior year finals ended, we headed up to Stanford to gather more student perspectives on modern dating apps.

THE SIGN

The purpose of our clickbaity sign was twofold. “Tinder sucks” not only set the theme of the conversation, but it also offered up a hot take. “Let’s talk” invited each and every passerby to sit down with us for a little dialogue.

Whenever we went, within minutes of setting up, Kevin and I were surrounded by fellow 20 year olds eager to share their thoughts on digital dating life.

Although at first glance we seemed to take a deliberate, charged stance of “Tinder is bad,” we leaned our questions and conversations as neutral and open ended as possible.

• “What’s been your experience using dating apps?”
• “In what ways have they added to your life?
• “Are there parts that have been frustrating for you?”

With each conversation, we learned more about how young people feel about dating apps and how to lead an even better interview next time.

THE HATS

I’m sure you’re wondering about the chicken hats by now. What were they for?

Nothing, really. We just thought it would be fun to wear chicken masks throughout the whole thing. They also ended up being an eggcelent conversation starter.

THE TAKEAWAYS

As we took notes, recorded clips and reflected on each conversation, we slowly deduced a list of concrete takeaways. Here’s some of what we found:

Some people enjoy tinder

• A surprising number of students voiced that they actually like using dating apps like Tinder. Some have made friends or found relationships through it — especially during COVID when it was hard to meet people organically. In some ways it’s more convenient. And in some ways you get to know more about someone, their interests, and their personality before you commit to a relationship. There are indeed pluses that Tinder-esque dating apps offer and a number of college students appreciate them.

People end up tying their self-worth to matches, for better and for worse

• Almost all students expressed that the likes, swipes, and matches which roll into their inbox end up having an influence on their sense of self worth. What’s interesting, though, is that some students use the app because of that, and some students avoid it. One sophomore told us that their friends like the ego boost and the validation of guys swiping right on their profile, the “I think you’re cute, let’s hangout” response. Meanwhile, someone else said they entirely put down the app after noticing how the number of matches they received each day noticeably influenced their mood.

People can’t help their curiosity

• Several Stanford students, when thinking about apps, pointed to Fizz, an anonymous forum like Reddit for just within campus. They pointed to the fun of being able to DM the original poster, engage in conversation while their profiles are hidden, and then reveal themselves later on. The mystery leads to curiosity, and the curiosity leads them back to the app.

People want to start relationships organically but can’t with existing dating apps

• Relationships typically begin through a connection. Your mutual friend sets you up, you meet someone at an event, you live down the hall from each other. All of these cases involve a real life “link” beforehand. Yet with the majority of dating apps today, the only link is a GET API endpoint to load their profile on your phone.
• This has created a mental block with online dating for several students we surveyed. They feel that something as meaningful and emotional as an intimate relationship shouldn’t be started through a device.
• However, it’s not simply “using an app” that prevents real connection. One student gave an analogy to Instagram: if someone reached out saying “hey I saw you at the musical last night, you sing so well!”, it’s kinda cute. If someone said “hey Ive been watching your Instagram videos, you sing so well!” then it’s cringe and creepy. Both approaches involve an app, but they feel different. In one, the app is an additive on top of real life connection, and in the other, it’s a replacement for it. Most people would rather have apps that add value to and respect the integrity of their real life experiences, not those which replace them.

— — —

As Kevin and I drove back to Southern California after two weeks of interviews in chickens hats, we wondered. Where do we go for here? How do we make an app that supports authentic, meaningful relationships without compromising people’s self worth or getting them hooked?

Although we’re still figuring out the solution, we’re sure about the problem. It’s one that we and many of our peers experience, and it’s time that it changes.

Here’s to a better online dating world we can all get excited for.

Note: the population we consulted via the “Tinder sucks. Let’s talk.” method was students that would stop and talk with someone holding a “Tinder sucks, let’s talk” sign. We lured people with stronger opinions on dating apps from both the favorable and unfavorable ends yet missed the “silent majority.” In order to hear from them, Kevin and I have also publicized short surveys, some reaching over 500 students. That data will remain internal 😉