“I can see how this could have easily been me …”
The thoughts on this post come in the wake of some devastating news on the death of a Kenyan, Stanford coterm student, Norah Borus.
I have no right to control any narratives around her story, as Borus and I were merely acquaintances. We knew each other, and only spoke once in a while. I extend my greatest sympathies to her close friends and family and stand with them during this trying moment.
Nonetheless, her sudden demise elicits great emotion in me, as an undergraduate in a prestigious US institution. When I first heard the news, I was taken aback for a moment, lost for words, mix of emotion not knowing what to feel. Literally, my mind zapped blank for a moment. What I clearly remember feeling, which I now find very troubling in retrospect is “I can see how this could have easily been me or someone close to me …” This sentiment applies not just to me, but to my friends too with whom I shared this difficult moment. As we exchanged phone calls and texts trying to comfort each other, we were all petrified empathizing so greatly with Borus and her close friends, knowing how tough things can get. My friend Caroline elegantly expresses this in a statement she posted on her status “ .. What is especially troubling for me is that Norah could have been me, or you or many other international students in elite schools who juggle so so much while trying to maneuver college.”
While life on the outside looks rosy and successful, beneath the iceberg lies sleepless nights, tears, anxiety, social pressures and more. When I got into MIT, I was excited to begin a new life, be financially independent, ace my classes. I strongly identified with my stunning academic record and my extra-curricular success. I however knew very little about the pressure that came with being a colored student in the US, the struggle of making friends, the pressure of working to earn minimum-wages alongside keeping up with weekly problem sets and an intense academic curriculum that sometimes slowly chips at your inner core. I can’t begin to talk about the countless times I’ve called my mother and sisters who because of me live in two timezones, always on standby to receive my phonecalls when I’ve almost given up at 3 am. I can’t keep up with the endless text requests to my friends in Kenya and other colleges in the US whom I’ve asked to keep me company as I study.
I matriculated in 2015. 4 years is a short time — I lose breath over the experiences I’ve been through — both good and bad. I’ve interacted with professors who’ve strengthened my core, taught me to fight. I’ve also taken a class where I couldn’t go on an international class trip because I was the first person ever who wasn’t an American citizen and therefore needed a visa. I’ve been in classes where other students have blatantly looked down upon me because of my accent, my skin color, my background, things I’ve never even thought about.
I acknowledge my privilege, that I am in one of the best colleges in the world. I also acknowledge the life changing experiences that comes with it — I have travelled around the world, I have interacted with some of the most passionate and committed people. I’ve learnt the value of hard work, tenacious work. And I appreciate it, because given another chance I would choose this same path. I acknowledge that there are people who come from significantly more disadvantaged backgrounds than I and I empathize even more with them. This is all the journey.
Caroline continued to say in her status (which perfectly describes my thoughts), “ I don’t know the specific experience of Norah but we need to start having more honest and candid conversations in general about how to build community where it doesn’t exist, how to go through the changes that happen in a new environment and many more. We also need to get vulnerable and talk more openly about the experiences that put us at high risk and push us to limits we wouldn’t choose for ourselves. I am guilty of confining my experiences to a few friends and therefore enabling the ongoing damaging stereotypes that could lead to great losses. It’s tough to go to a new environment, to matriculate into a competitive institution and to keep yourself together while being a young wild youth. It’s tough because we place undue pressure on ourselves, possibly also from the people around us to grow up faster than we need to, faster than is even possible given the kinds of backgrounds we come from.”
To parents and family with children abroad, “ …and you aren’t constantly in touch with them, reach out to them and be involved in their school life. Make the effort of trying to understand what your child goes on day to day and resist the urge to place any undue pressures on them.” They’re just children, treat them like you would your children at home.
To all students studying abroad: Please take one day at a time. Don’t tie too many yokes to your neck, something will eventually have to give. Find time to LIVE. Please LIVE. Don’t spend the entirety of college working odd jobs, find a balance please. Take a break when you need it, surround yourself with people who love and care for you, people who will remind you of your brilliance. Love and accept yourself, embrace the process of finding new strengths, finding weaknesses. YOU DESERVE LOVE. Treat yourself like someone you care about.
Borus you were brilliant, you were a friend, a mentor, an inspiration to many young women like me. You were an activist, a techie, a guitarist, a passionate girl relentlessly chasing after your big dreams. Rest in power, Rest in passion, rest in our hearts, in the love of all those who cared for you. Our hearts are hollow, now that you’re no longer here.
